Part 17 – Unexplainable

Perhaps I’m just not strong enough lately.

Maybe the reason I always find myself going back to you is because often I just want to run. And when I think of running, running to you is where I want to go. When I need a hug, I remember how it felt when you held me. I felt safe.

Isn’t it strange, and kind of sick that someone will take so much time and effort to get in. Into your mind, body, heart and soul. They put your pieces back together and make you feel whole again.

Then when they leave, it’s almost like they put you back together with only tape without you realizing. But as soon as it rains, the tape looses the adhesiveness that holds things in place. You fall apart all over again. You stand there staring at them. In disbelief. Feeling almost betrayed. You knew I was falling apart. But then you use tape? Was it your intention to use a temporary method so that I would fall apart again? Or is it maybe that you just dont have the proper tools to help me better.

Dont get me wrong, I am fully aware that this is exactly why you need to put yourself back together and to not rely on others, but is it so wrong to think someone would actually want to help. Love you. Be there for you.

My intention is always to fully put myself back together. I dont need someone to fix me. But just knowing that they will help. Be there. Hold the pieces for me while I permanently cement my own pieces back together.

Maybe it’s the hopeless romantic in me, wanting to play out a hollywood movie. Or maybe I am just so naive to believe people so easily.

Currently I am exploring my minds deep inner workings. I want to know why I always go through the same scenario with different people. Clearly I am the common denominator. I am aware of that much.

No matter how deep I look into it, I cannot figure it out. Perhaps I’m such an overthinker that I will never figure it out. Every time I think I’ve finally figured it out, I fall into the same pattern. Questions leading to more questions. A never ending cycle.

They say ignorance is bliss. But to an overthinker, there is no ignorance. As an overthinker, especially with anxiety, you go through every possible situation with every possible outcome. Leaving you with the inability to be ignorant. But even as I type this I still find myself claiming a bit of ignorance in the fact that I will never truly know what people think, or how it will play out. I can only go by the scenes played out in my mind.

To be honest, I’m not even sure if this makes sense. My mind is a disaster. Much like the Krats brothers closet if you are familiar with the kids show Zoboomafoo.

And what do I do when my mind gets like this? Nothing. I sit in it. Feeling every possible emotion. Becoming more lethargic. Numb. Completely disassociated with life itself.

Part 16 – Struggling

Lately I’ve been struggling. A lot. With many different things. Usually I dedicate each blog to a specific topic. But this time, I’m going to vent.

So COVID is cool. Basically makes anxiety from hell simmer down completely. Not. It’s like “hey, I know you’re struggling, but isolate yourself from everyone, dont go anywhere, fear everything and you cant go to counseling anymore”. *DISCLAIMER: I know I am exaggerating. I’m not interested in discussing theories and yes, I wear my mask in public like a good little human. Dont attack me for explaining MY anxiety.*

Now my brother. Recovering drug addict (yay for him!! I couldnt be more proud). However. With recovery comes all of the withdrawal consequences. He is doing great for himself, has a job, lives with his girlfriend and her adorable daughter. But. He abuses her. More verbal than physical, however to me based on my past, neither are less severe than each other and both are inexcusable.

Taking the 2 above points and putting them together sucks. Now when I need counseling to help my PTSD (triggered by my brother abusing his girlfriend), I cant go. So I try to call the 24/7 hour counseling hotline. Lifes sick irony keeps me on hold for 10 minutes and then I hang up. And I really wanted to reach out to my brothers girlfriend and was struggling internally with that. I was a mess. (Also, if anyone wants to try and blast me for making this about me, I didnt, I contacted my brothers girlfriend and helped her through it).

Now let’s add working with my ex in the mix. An ex I cant get over. Literally brings me to psychotic points where I cant control my emotions. I am fine at work. It’s when I get home. Every time I see him, I fall apart. So that’s cool.

I struggle with social media. There are several very popular topics right now (COVID, masks, BLM, Wayfair, etc.) There is so much negativity. They say opinions are like ass holes, everyone has one. True. But it’s sad that nobody can Express their own thoughts or opinions without getting attacked by keyboard warriors. And honestly, they have no shame. Name calling, insulting and speculating strangers. Even elderly are victims. There is so much hate.

Home is a prison to me after 5 months of being locked in. Work is hell. I cant go anywhere and if I can, watch for the drama every where. Fear of doing something wrong.

My sister after 2 years of struggling was finally able to conceive. I, for the first time in my life cried tears of happiness. In a very quick 4 weeks, it tragically ended in miscarriage. Again how easy it was for my anxiety and depression to join in. Soon I was overtaken with feelings of guilt and shame for my past choices. If you’ve read my previous blogs you know what I’m referring to. Dont get me wrong, I cried my shame away every night for weeks after the news of my sisters miscarriage, but every day I was either calling every hour to check in or was at her house. She has no idea the toll I had taken upon myself because it was more important for me to be strong for her than to show her the hurt. But every night when I was alone….

I’m in a very bad place mentally. I’m struggling daily. I wont give up. But sometimes, I wish something out of my control would rescue me from this world.

I’ve lost faith. I dont know if I believe in fate, god, spiritual energirs, Angel’s, destiny, astrology. How easy it is to get lost in this world right now. Where do you turn when you dont know what to believe.

Part 15 – Unexpected

Here I was, just being me. Living life day to day, making the best of this life I share with my daughter. Fully content being alone. Then you come in. We pass through the stages. First shy, trying to figure each other out. That blossoms into a form of friendship. Just hanging out, watching movies. As feelings develop we become more vulnerable. Telling each other our strengths, but more importantly, our weaknesses.

I tell you all of my past. You listen. You comfort. You support. Not only do you and I come from different countries (literally), but it almost seems like different worlds (figuratively of course). I tell you my stories of my family’s addictions, my abusive past relationships, all my dark secrets that contributed to who I am. A paradox. Proud, yet insecure. Happy, yet so broken. Laughing an obnoxiously loud, carefree laugh at work, and the softest, painfully devasted crying at night.

You came from a sheltered life. You didnt experience anything that I had, yet you showed compassion, remorse, and carried a sense of guilt that you couldnt save me. You became my diary. I told you everything. Finally, I thought someone could love all of me. Even the broken parts. It was my romance movie. You knew things I’ve never expressed to even my best friend. So how can I possibly handle it when you walk away.

The reason I don’t tell people of my past…. let’s call them experiences, is because when they walk away, you’re left there completely open and alone. When someone reads your diary it gives you a sense of betrayal. It feels like you’ve betrayed me. You took the time to get to know every inch of me. Dissected me. Naked in front of you, showing you all of my scars and wounds.

But now, who knows what you’ve told people. Everytime I talk to someone we know in common I think, ‘do they know I was raped’, ‘do they know financially that I’m broke’, ‘do they know mentally that I’m broken’. On top of that, it feels like my diary has rejected me. Bear with me on this explanation. But imagine the diary as a living creature. Instead of writing on its lightly lined paper, you speak to it. And once you’ve spilled things that you swore you would never say out loud, the diary leaves. It packs its bag and moves out. To another country. Everything it knows about you is out there. In the open. And you cant confide in your diary. The thing that once made you feel so safe. The one thing you knew wouldnt judge you.

It hurts. Plain and simple as that. I have to watch my life story walk out. Trust that my story, wont be confused with our story, when you tell your story. If you follow that.

I question everything. What was real, what wasn’t, was anything real? You gave me everything, and then pulled it all out from under me. For the first time, I saw what we had and it felt so real. This felt like this was it. This was mine. Ours. Our love story. The romance movie staring you and I. Millions would line up to watch it.

Going on with the movie analogy, we didn’t make it past filming. The set was dark. Everyone went home, unpaid. There I stand, watching the empty set get darker as all the sections of the lights go out one by one. It all goes black. End scene.

I should be a producer. Just kidding. But that’s exactly how it feels.

Part 14 – Toxicship

Friends. A shoulder to cry on, some of the best advise you can get, someone to hang out with, have fun with, someone who will tell you that your decision was stupid but will love you through it. They will be by your side in the good times and the bad. Someone who may not always agree with you but will support you. Someone who will accept you as you are. Someone to pick up the broken pieces, dust you off and help you try again. Friends truly are a gift.

However. We all have that one friend. The friend that we aren’t entirely sure as to why we remain friends with them other than the simple fact that we have a history with them and it would be such a shame to throw away such a long friendship. The friend that doesn’t necessarily do anything wrong, but also doesn’t do much right.

I have one friend in particular that I will be discussing in this blog. Let’s call this friend Diana. Diana can be a great friend. She has helped put food in my house, made sure my child is taken care of when she is sick and cant go to school but as a single mom I still have to work, helped take care of me after my surgeries, she has been there through many ups and downs.

The issue with Diana is…. well I’m actually not sure what is up with her, but whenever I decide to take strides in my life to achieve better, she lacks the support that should be there. As for a few examples, she has not liked a single one of my boyfriends besides my daughters father (not for the obvious reasons that I wrote about on my blogs as she doesn’t know all the facts) simply because they take away from my time with her, she doesn’t want me going back to university because then I will think I am better than her, she doesn’t like the fact that I quit smoking because then I have changed, the fact that I don’t let her put me down anymore for my past mistakes means that I am on a high horse, the fact that I stopped eating fast food and only eat healthy food has some how given her the idea that I once again think I am better than her. She thinks its silly that I do yoga and meditate to make me feel good, and I write to feel better. Any time I talk to her about a great meditation session that I had she laughs in my face. And the fact that my daughter is really intelligent means that I am a bad mom because I encourage my child to read a book as opposed to watch a movie and laugh like all the other kids. Any time I use words that are out of the ordinary, she tells me to “stop with your big, fancy words, you aren’t impressing anyone”.

There was a time that I had to go to her house every day because if I didn’t then that meant I didn’t love her as a friend anymore or that I was mad at her or some other ridiculous accusation. It has gotten to the point that I feel like I cannot tell her anything anymore because if I do she has some reason as to why its silly and she doesn’t agree. I can assure you she does not call them silly though and uses a few other colourful choice words.

I take great pride in what I have achieved in my life. I have gone through quite a bit, I had to drop out of university when I got pregnant with my daughter but was able to go back to college, graduate and find a job within my field. She chooses to let her boyfriend work and she stays home and claims single status so she can get more money from the government. I am aware that the way I worded it may sound a little judgemental but I do not judge her. This is her life and that is her prerogative to live it how she wants. I never say anything to cut down her or her lifestyle. I love her, her boyfriend and her 2 kids very much. They are my family.

I was talking to my best friend (not Diana), and she had proposed that perhaps Diana feels this way because when I mention an accomplishment in my life, Diana is in fact the one comparing her life to mine and instantly gets defensive and in turn feels as though I am passing the same judgement.

I am in competition with nobody. Everyone is different. Live and let live. What works for one person, doesn’t necessarily work for another. I have told her these things on several occasions. Of course I do not come straight out and tell her that I feel as though she is the one comparing us to each other, but I find a nice delicate way to bring up the points I had mentioned.

The issue is, even though I am in competition with her, doesnt mean that she doesnt feel threatened, thus using competition as a form of defense.

This is not friendship. This is toxic. Even though we have come through very difficult times together, unless we can be comfortable with ourselves, it will be impossible to carry out a friendship.

Friends to the end. But the end, is open to interpretation.

Part 13 – Rediscovery

So. I have been a little MIA lately. I will admit that I’m not an avid blogger. I started my blog with the intentions of finding a way to fully disclose my life with no secrets, to try and repair myself. I thought that once I got it all out there, the bad and the good, that I would feel better. My issue is that in my life I always try to find temporary quick fixes to try to make my life seem better than it is. I so desperately wanted to stop the feeling of loneliness from creeping in, all I have ever wanted it to be truly happy. I know the saying ‘life is not the amount of breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away’ and ‘money cannot buy happiness’. Still, I thought that the more I had, the more I spent, the more expensive my clothes were, how great my hair looked…. that someone would walk into my life just like in the movies (I know, I have really got to stop comparing my life to movies). As a Pinterest reference, I have now completed my entire Pinterest closet. Yay me.

I have not only used this blog as a fix, but I have used shopping, partying, smoking, really anything that I thought would make me feel better. What I failed to notice, until more recently, was that these temporary fixes only last for a short while. I mean, hence the word temporary right. Most people know the definition of temporary. Well, I wouldn’t say I didn’t know the definition of temporary because I do, and I did in fact know that they were temporary fixes…. I’m not entirely sure if I convinced myself that they would help until things got better or if I convinced myself that if I had enough of them that they would become long term. In all honesty, I had no idea. I was looking for anything that would make me smile, even if for a short while and hope for the best.

While I have been MIA, I have started noticing how I always try to fill these empty voids in my life with these short term fixes. I learned that the only long term fix that I would always be able to rely on is myself. So I sat there. And sat there. Then I thought to myself, who the hell am I?! I had no idea. I know that I am NOT my past. I know that my past has shaped and formed me into this person. But who is this person.

So I started my next adventure. I have started to really take care of myself. I never knew I could find such peace in my life just getting to know myself. I mean, I’m fricken hilarious.

For most of my life I have gone from relationship to relationship. I have now officially been single for a year (if you don’t count that one short fling). I have taken myself on dates, something I never thought I would be able to do. I was always so concerned about what other people would think about me…. “hey, look at that girl out for dinner by herself, what a loser” or “awe, she must be so lonely, I feel so bad for her”…. how conceded of me to think that I would literally be the focus point in the whole entire restaurant. But even if I was the focus point, I should feel more flattered than embarrassed, “hey everyone, look how awesome I am”.

Not only have I started going on me-dates, I have had nice, quiet, romantic dinners at home with a nice glass of wine, good music, an enticing book, or a movie I have always wanted to watch. I cannot for the life of me understand why I thought I needed to find someone to watch a movie with. And instead of staying in my house to write this like I usually do, I’m actually in a coffee shop. Alone. Just writing. Because, why not? And I really don’t care what people think. I am so relaxed right now. I’m eating better, smiling more, laughing louder and loving life. Don’t get me wrong, I still have demons from my past to deal with, and I’m not saying that a year of dating myself has been fun and easy and was the cure to all my misery. I still have a long way to go. But looking back at this time last year, I have come so far. I really needed to stop discrediting myself by saying “I’m broken” or “I’m damaged”. I really just need to say “I can have fun by myself” or “I’m actually really awesome”.

I always used to be envious of people who were always surrounded by others. Recently I have taken an interest in getting to know those people. I find them intriguing. Know why? Because every time I start talking about dating myself and having me-dates (maybe I should find a different way to phrase it), they laugh. Instead of feeling backed into a corner and getting defensive, I simply ask why its so funny. Their answer amazes me. Most people that I have encountered this with say something along the lines of “I hate being alone” or “I’d much rather have company”. Instead of envy, I feel an overwhelming sense of sadness for them. People need to learn how to be alone. It is so important. If there’s one thing I learned it’s that you cannot rely on others for a source of happiness. I’m not talking about me being against people having friends and going out with them. I’m talking about people who literally cannot be alone for any period of time without having at least one person to talk to. Similar to social media and cell phones, people have been so accustomed to always having someone there. People are so consumed with having followers, how many likes they get on their selfies, keeping up with the Jones’, they are missing out on being happy with what they have and who they are. My personal opinion is that they will never feel fully satisfied. You should eat healthy for your health, not to post pictures of it. Watch your childs play instead of being focused on capturing the perfect moment to post for your friends, because you will always miss it, and then you wont have the memory or the picture. Don’t worry about who likes your hair, get it done how you like. Formulate your own opinions, don’t follow trends. Find you, be you, for you. It sounds really cheesy, but honestly, there will always be a point in your life where you will not have anyone there. You need to know how to appreciate yourself. You need to know how to take care of yourself, how to love yourself, how to make yourself feel better when you’re feeling down.

I’m not entirely sure how to end this blog. But I do know there will be more coming about my past that are not this optimistic. So hopefully you embraced the positivity in this one….. and….that’s the end of this blog.

Part 12 – Almost

Things ended as quickly as they began. Literally 3 weeks. That’s all it took. To be nothing, almost something and back to nothing. 

An immediate connection, fueled by mutual passion. Maybe it was lust, but perhaps, love at first sight. Whatever it was…. it was perfect while it lasted. 

3 weeks of a whirlwind storm. He was a walking Katy Perry song, even though he hates that reference. Hot and cold, in and out. A beautiful paradox. Never quite sure what he wanted, but at the least, he knew every time we talked, that there was something. We both knew. Although inexplicable, I will try my best to illustrate. 
If I may be so bold as to say it was a movie. We hit it off instantly, we understood each other, we laughed, we joked, and we were instantly connected in a way that we both felt comfortable from the first time we hung out. And I cant quite find the words to explain the feeling. A feeling we both felt and talked about but couldnt figure out what it was. It just felt right. 

I’m not sure what my beliefs are, whether spiritual or religious, but I do believe in something. Whether its fate, destiny, the stars, a God or Angel’s…. something brought us together and something was there…. a spark, a fire, chemistry, whatever you want to call it. It was undeniable. People that didn’t even know we talked saw something by the way we looked at each other. I’m going to get cheesy here for a minute, but when our eyes met, I swear my soul was dancing.

But we work together. We also work with his ex girlfriend. Hence the dwindling of our flame. Actually, it was more of an immediate burn out. We went to the park at lunch so as to not let our colleagues know we were talking, and after so many laughs, and multiple times hugging goodbye because 3 hugs just wasn’t enough, I got in my car to return to work, and there she was. The ex. Parked directly beside my car. 

An hour later after she approached his car as I drove away, I got the message. And just like that, our flame was gone.

Perhaps it’s too soon to tell if this story is done or if it’s just begun…. but I wont hold my breath. Regardless, these past 3 weeks were a movie I would rewatch over and over again. It was the perfect chick flick. A feel good movie with a sad ending that you never know whether or not it’s the ending. 

Part 11 – Hindsight

I guess now is as good a time as ever to talk about Ex 1.

I don’t know where to start so I suppose I’ll start at the beginning, it’s usually a good place to start. I had just graduated grade 12 and was getting ready for my first year of university. I lived the typical teen life, drinking, laughing and partying all summer long. I went to numerous parties with my one cousin that I was close with at the time. I was also going through a bad break up and needed to get out, let loose and have fun. Ok, so I admit that Ex 1 isn’t actually my first ever Ex, but he’s the one that changed my life the most, he gave me my daughter.

I met Ex 1 at a party, we didn’t really talk much the whole time to be honest. He was always around this one girl that I believed to be his girlfriend. It ended up not being his girlfriend at all and was just someone that was always drunk (well, more drunk than anyone else at any of those parties) and hanging all over him. He was also going through a break up so I’m sure he didn’t mind all that much.

The more parties that I went to, the more I saw him around. It started with casual texting, which wasn’t a big deal because as I started going to more parties, I was getting more friends anyways. Obviously the more we started talking, the more I started to fall for him. Soon we were swooning over each other and couldn’t get enough of each other…. cute huh? Just kidding, realistically, we talked a couple times, went to a party, both got drunk, then we fell into a tent together and slept together. Not so cute. Then I found out he was a virgin. Now I barely talked to this guy before, but he seemed sweet and now I felt bad that I took his virginity and barely even remembered.

As bad as this sounds, we started dating, more or less because I felt guilty and didn’t want him to loose his virginity like that. Then after we started dating, I started to fall for him. Don’t worry, our entire story is this backwards.

6 months after dating this guy out of pity, I found out I was pregnant. I just started university, barely in a stable relationship, and pregnant. Ex 1 by the way was just graduating high school. Yes, he is a year younger than me.

Anyways, with me being 18 and him 17, we decided to keep the baby and work it out together. Him and I, forever and for always. I didn’t know that ‘always’ would be only 6 years.

On Janurary 24th, our beautiful daughter was born. She is without a doubt my blessing. She is my best friend. Let’s not get into the argument about how children shouldn’t be your friends. I’ll just say I pull the mom card when needed. But I would not be where I am in my life without her, she makes even my hardest days more than worth it.

After our daughter was born things started going south with us. We fought all the time because he never wanted to help, I’m sure I was sleep deprived and we just couldn’t make it work. Still, both of us are very stubborn so we kept sticking it out. He kept loosing his jobs, we couldn’t find a decent place to live in for more than a few months at a time, our vehicle was basically 1000 years old (yes I said 1000, yes I’m over exaggerating) and it kept breaking down. It seemed the two of us could never catch a break. With all that being said, I did take 1.5 years off of school and work to be with her, which was the best choice I ever made. We developed a great bond and she was well ready for daycare when she had to join, not to brag, but she has always been a smart cookie (props to me).

After taking time off of work, we decided it was time for me to go back. I was working 70 hours a week as a packer in a greenhouse. I was gone before she woke up in the morning and home after she went to bed. Not only that though, I was still the only one doing the cooking and cleaning and laundry…. exhaustion setting in. I finally hit my breaking point and said “Fuck it, I’m going back to school instead.”

Now I was in school full-time and decided to work as much as possible afterwards as a waitress. Let’s keep in mind that this whole time even while he kept loosing jobs, he was never out of a job. So he has been working this whole time. Anyways, I was a full-time student and a part-time waitress. Yet, I was still the only one paying all the bills, still doing all the housework and cooking and cleaning, and now childcare drop off and pick up. To top it off, there were many times I would come home at 12am, after a full day of school and a shift at work and he would be passed out on the couch after work because he was so tired. I’m not saying he’s not tired, but I was always up as early as he was and up way later than him. As this kept happening more and more, I was loosing my patience.

We were engaged to be married. We had the date set for 2 years later. By this time we were already together for 4 years. We were going to get married on our 6th dating anniversary.

I called the wedding off 6 months before we got married.

Since calling off the wedding, my life really started.

To be honest, even to this day, I have many different theories as to why exactly I called the wedding off. Maybe I was so exhausted that I just couldn’t do it anymore. Maybe I never really loved him and I just tried my hardest because I thought it was what was best for our daughter. Maybe I was settling because I didn’t want to be another statistic. Maybe I was settling because I was afraid of being a single mom, never finding someone who wanted a woman with a baby by another guy. Maybe I was ashamed that for once, I couldn’t make things work, even with as much as I wanted to. Ex 2 was just coming in the picture, perhaps I thought the grass was greener on the other side. It could be all or none of those things. But for some reason, my thoughts always circle back to, “I just really wanted him to finally see all that I did for him, for him to smarten up and change, for him to come back to me and tell me how sorry he was and how much he missed and needed me”. I feel like deep down, I never wanted to leave him entirely.

That could be why I have never been able to fully give my all to someone else…. to be honest, sometimes I’m not convinced that I’m over him.

I took a chance with fate. I played with fire…. and I got burned.

Part 10 – One Day

I miss you. Or at least I think do. 

You made me smile. You swept me off my feet. When I was sad, you were there. You supported me. You helped build me up. You helped me get over some pretty big obstacles in my life. You are the reason for many things in my life right now. Without you, I wouldn’t have had the courage to go through even half of what I have gone through. 

But things changed. With miscommunication, stress and no patience left for me and my broken pieces anymore, you left. I kept you in my life by becoming your booty call. Just so you would stick around. I told myself I was over you. I told myself I didn’t like you anymore. But, who am I to lie to myself. 

When things changed, you changed. You’ve ignored me, insulted me, belittled me, disrespected me. You lied and hid things. You treated me like I was nothing. You made me ashamed of myself. You made me cry myself to sleep countless times and never even batted an eye. You made me feel stupid when I had hurt feelings when you said something rude. I wasn’t allowed to get angry or frustrated. I wasn’t allowed to ask questions about anything. It was all on your terms and on your timing.

Alright, listen. Dispite what I just said, I still like you. I have this whole time. I’ve tried so hard to hate you and avoid you and all that shit but it’s not working. You gave me something very different than anyone else ever did. I like you. I’m sorry but I do. I’ve wanted you back. I never stopped. I tried to convince myself I didn’t and I thought I believed myself but deep down I knew I was just deceiving myself. Just playing the game. Trying to keep you close. I keep wishing one day you’ll knock on my door and we’ll have that cheesy, sweep me off my feet make up thing going on that happens in movies. I’ll never stop wanting that. 

You said we should start dating other people. If you want to date other people, then please do. I won’t be dating though. I tried talking to other people and I just couldn’t stop but think that they weren’t you. I wish you the best, I really do. I want you to be happy. I just wanted it to be with me. But if you’re happy, then ill be happy for you even of its not with me. I’ll never be able to block you out. So my phone is always open to you. And so is my door. I’ve always hoped that the reason we haven’t been able to stay away from each other was because you secretly wanted the same thing. I get it, you don’t. And it was only because of sex and because I’m too persistant and made you cave and made you come over and talk to me and that you never wanted to. But I’ll never stop wishing that you do. 

You want me to stay away then I will. But I can’t keep lying to you or myself anymore. I like you. I want you. But more importantly I want you to be happy. So I’ll leave you alone. If you ever change your mind, and God knows I hope you do, I’ll be here.

But here’s the thing…. it won’t last forever. 

One day, I will move on. I won’t want to call you. Something good will happen, and I won’t look for your excitement. Or perhaps it’ll be something bad, and I won’t search for your comfort.

One day I won’t miss you. It might take sometime, but I promise I won’t. And maybe when that time comes I’ll realize…. maybe it isn’t you I miss, but who I thought you were. Who you’re not. Maybe I miss an illusion. 

Part 9 – Let’s Pretend

I asked you not to. I asked you to believe me. I begged you not to try to get close to me. You were bound and determined break down my walls. I knew better. I kept trying to tell myself it was different. I really thought it was you. I really wanted it to be you. You wanted me to need you and want you in my life. As much as I tried to prevent that from happening, you got your way. You got in. Now I can’t get you out. I pleaded with you to try and make you stay away, and then again to make you stay. I fell in love again. We all know, love is the most destructive method of self harm.

All that’s left is white stains from the tears running down my cheeks. Are you happy? You just had to prove I would love again, didn’t you. Are you satisfied? Did you get what you wanted? You said you knew what you were doing, you could handle it, all the bad for the good, remember…. for what? The bad to be bad enough that you decided you were wrong? Where are the repercussions for lying? Where is the justice? How is this fair? 

Based off my previous posts, I’m sure you all know I’m a broken person. No, I don’t want your pity. We’re all broken in our own little ways. I’m a disaster though. A storm that is magnificent and powerful at the best of times, but destructive, gloomy, cold and dreadful most times. Powerful enough to captivate and enthrawl you for a little while, and then just like that, you’re over it and all it’s glory. You just want it to end.

When broken people love, they love hard. Not because they are desperate, but because they, being broken, know what it’s like to not love or be loved. Broken people know the pain people feel. They know what it’s like to not feel loved and what kind of love they want. They will give it their all to make sure nobody feels the way they do inside, like their drowning in their own storm. Broken people love how they want to be loved. Love is in movies, so beautiful and magical. In reality, its never going to be how Hollywood portrays it.

Can’t you see this is killing me? I can’t keep letting people in for them to just leave. It seems the only time I’m right anymore is when I say people always leave. My heart is shattered. I can’t seem to fix it anymore. It’s devastating to go from someone’s everything, to nothing. And it keeps happening over and over again. 

I’m done.

So let’s go back to being strangers. Pretend like nothing happened between us. Forget all the good times we had and all we went through. I’ll pretend I didn’t come all the way out of my comfort zone to let you in just for you to walk away. Let’s do that. Lets pretend we never see each other, we’ll walk past each other like the other doesn’t exist. I’ll act like it doesn’t bother me when I see you smiling and laughing knowing you’re happier without me. Lets pretend we never loved each other, we can forget all the times you said forever. Lets pretend theres no pain either one of us bear from this. Let’s slowly kill ourselves with the hidden truth of what actually happened. Nobody will know anyways right? Wrong. We know. We both do.

Part 8 – Mornings

After 26 years I finally realized why I hate mornings. 

I hate mornings because the hardest part of waking up is remembering everything that I spent all day trying to forget. 

Forgetting the way that you touched me. Forgetting the way that you held me. Forgetting the way it felt when you kissed me. Forgetting your voice, your laugh, your smile, and all your perfect imperfections.

I will never hear you say that you love me again. I will never feel your warmth beside me. I will never be able to experience all of the things that I try to forget every day ever again.

Never. It is so hard to Envision that never is actually a lifetime. Never is not nothing, never is ever again in my lifetime. Saying never is just as powerful of a way to express time as forever. Just as permanent but so much more destructive.

I spend all day trying to forget what never means. By the end of every night I am able to convince myself that never is an unfair measurement of time. I am able to convince myself that nobody can predict the future and you have no idea what the future holds. But every single morning the word never comes back to my mind. It consumes my body and drowns me.

I tell people that I hate mornings because I just really love sleep. But in reality I hate mornings because I remember that never is actually possible. Nevers happen all the time. You will never step in the same spot twice, you’ll never get hit by the same wave, you’ll never get to go back in time. You can never bring someone back from the dead. You will never be able to make someone else love you. And you will never be able to fix what happened.

I don’t understand how someone can say never. How can someone guarantee such a permanent period of time? How can someone never want to see or hear from you ever again in their life? How can they promise that? How can never be forever….

Every morning starts off with an anxiety attack. It is awful. I never have a new day starting happy and feeling refreshed. I never have a chance at starting my day off right because I wake up sweating, heart pounding, feeling nervous and anxious, not feeling good enough. I wake up miserable. Every single day.

When I was with you I never wanted night to come. Now that I’m not, I never want the morning to come. Every morning is a reminder of mine and your ‘forever never’.