Part 6 – Abuse

Excuse me while I jump around my life.

Abuse. There are so many forms in which this can  take place. There is verbal, mental, physical and sexual. There may or may not be more. But these are the ones I am going to focus on. Why? Because these are the ones I’ve experienced.

Where to start. Lets go to one of the more painful and confusing ones. Going back to a previous blog where I stated I was raped by my ex boyfriend (we will call him Ex 2). I didnt know at the time that you could be raped by someone you were dating. I didn’t know until I was telling my therapist a story and he asked me, “so he raped you?”. My immediate response was “no, we were dating” and then he explained to me that I was in fact raped. It took me a very long time to come to grips with that. Actually, I still don’t know if I have fully emmoted to it yet. To think that someone that you love with all your heart could do this…. it’s just unfathomable.

It all starts with manipulation. They start with mental and emotional abuse. Telling you that you just are not good enough. You won’t survive without them. They deserve better. You aren’t worthy of them. The name calling, belittling, insulting, accusations…. they will say so many things about you because the truth of the insult lies in them and they need someone else to put the blame on. Heaven forbid they admit their own short comings.

They make you feel like you need them. And no matter how clear your mind was at the start, you eventually believe them. Why? Because of this powerful drug called love. The most powerful and self destructive drug out there. Love, the most prominent form of self destruction. The only thing that will make you completely vulnerable that you fall to your knees and beg for more. It’s so satisfying. But this kind of vulnerability in the wrong hands can kill you.

They control your every action, and thought. They need to know everything. They never believe you. All of the things that stem from their own guilt. It’s just…. horrible.

My home, out of all other places in the world, should be my safe place. He took that from me. Ex 2 had taken the only place that I can go to in order to feel safe and warm. That one place without fear or judgement. My place is gone. I haven’t slept in my bedroom for basically a year now. I sleep on my couch, when I can sleep that is. On average I get about 3 hours of sleep a night.

The one person that was supposed to be by my side, become my best friend, be my better half….destroyed me. How could he? How dare he punch me, choke me out, break almost everything I own and let’s not forget about the hot sauce sprayed in my face. He almost broke my arm. I had numerous bruises, fat lips and black eyes. Not to mention the mental and emotional damage done.

Don’t get me wrong, there were so many times I told myself nobody deserved this. But I stayed anyways. Maybe I’m hopes of him changing  (typical I know). I cried myself to sleep so many times I can’t even count.

He destroyed me is all I can say over and over again. Took away so many opportunities. So many good times. He stole my happiness. There were times when I was driving in my car and I would have to take a picture of every area of my car to prove I was alone. Get this, he still didn’t believe me, he’d say the person was just hopping around my car to avoid the picture. If I wasn’t talking to him 24/7 I was cheating on him. Which I eventually learned came from his own guilty conscience because he cheated on me almost every day. But I never dared to tell him that in fear of another punishment. He would tell me how awful I was and rude…. I was manipulative and a liar. He even told me he wanted me to kill myself. He tracked my spending and if it looked like I might have bought even just an extra coffee, then that was it. I was cheating. And when I went home, I got it. The yelling, name calling, hitting…. He broke 6 of my phones in less than a year….
I was living a nightmare. I didn’t know where to go or who to turn to. Sure, calling the cops is an easy answer to throw out there, but when you’re in the situation it is NOT that easy, especially when He implants the fear of making you lose your child. That’s right, he threatened to have her take from me. He brought me to a new level of low. My trust in humanity was gone. I had no hope for me or my future. All I knew at the time was that I loved him and that he would go back to the man he was at the beginning. It kept getting worse. I wasn’t allowed around my family, I couldn’t laugh with my daughter without him thinking I was plotting against him…. I was stuck. Even grocery shopping I was put on a time limit. And heaven forbid my bathroom breaks or showers take longer than they should.

One minute we were perfectly fine in our loving bliss, the next…. Well it was just the exact opposite. I don’t even know what set him off sometimes. If my phone made a sound, if someone called my house, if someone (even a female or my family) said they missed Me, if I was tired, if I didn’t want to have sex…. literally anything at all. It still hurts. It’s been a year. I still struggle with where it went wrong and why. And I will never understand how I wasn’t good enough to keep him happy.

The old saying “sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me” has never been more wrong. Words hurt. They almost killed me.

Even his apologies, yes he tried to apologize, were empty and more often than not were followed with his reasoning, which of course were my fault. The worst part? I believed it. And I was the one apologizing in the end. He raped me, hit me, pushed and shoved and punched…. All the names…. And I apologized.

Out of all the times he forced sex on me, I ended up getting pregnant. Because he didn’t want to use protection. Because then that meant I didn’t trust him. After all that, he made me get an abortion because he didn’t want to be stuck with me…. the other reason that he flat out admitted to was that he didn’t want to have to stop cheating on me. I still have a hard time handling that.

This is abuse.

In case you haven’t followed my other blogs, yes I got out. I kicked him out actually. But don’t be proud of me, I begged for him to come back. For months. I was lost. I didn’t know what to do. I still hid my phone, my stuff, my money…. I looked over my shoulders for almost 4 months. Actually, that’s a lie. Sometimes I still do.

It hasn’t gone away…. will it ever go away?

Part 5 – Depression 

I’m going to circle back to my very first blog.

The picture shown is my thinking spot. It’s where I collect my feelings and try to figure them out.

It’s a daily struggle to even want to get up in the morning, let alone having to function. You know, get showered, dressed, go to work, be a mom…. But every day I do it all. It’s like a sick spell that casts over you. One minute you could be fine. And the next you’re just shut off. It’s difficult to explain. It could take just a minute to get over, or months. And there’s no real antidote to fix it. You just want to hide. Not speak to anyone, not go anywhere. You just stop caring about everything. You have this pit in your stomach and a hole in your heart. Sometimes you know what triggers it, other times you dont.

My explanation may be a bit off only because I have other contributing factors. As mentioned I have OCD, PTSD and anxiety. Most days I just feel beat down.

“What’s wrong” is something I hear way more than I should. It’s always so difficult to answer that question. It got to a point where I just have been saying that I haven’t been sleeping well. It’s either that or I’d have to take time to explain to people that sometimes I just don’t know what’s wrong, and other times I feel like they wouldn’t understand. Even my best friend, I tell her almost everything. And every now and then I feel like I’m just a broken record and all I do is complain. She says she doesn’t mind, but come on, even I don’t want to hear myself anymore. But yet, I have to get up every day and be a working mom. I’m also a single mom so it’s not like I get sick days or days where I can just pass off house work and parent duties to my spouse. I know my daughter can tell when I’m having an off day. I’ve never told her, but when I feel down and out, she’s more attentive and sometimes asks if we can just snuggle.

I have suffered with depression for as long as I can remember. But I know it’s gotten worse since my abusive relationship (watch for my next blog), and even more so since the most recent ex (soon to be coming blog). It seems like everyone I have let in my life has left me and let me down. Everyone is so quick to say that they will be there for me and support me, but as soon as I let them in, I prove to myself why I was right in the first place to shut them out. It’s not like I let my guard down easily either. So they take so much time trying to break down my walls. It’s like a game to them, or so it seems.

Trust is not something that I give away easily. So it affects me so much when I finally trust people to be shown I was right all along. Especially when I tell them some of my past. Not only do I have to relive it at that moment, but after they leave it hurts so much more. But I don’t want to be one of those people that just gives up on love. I wholeheartedly want to believe it in. That love that people conquer the world with. But perhaps it’s just a pipedream. Anyways.

Depression is a daily struggle. And it requires a lot of patience from everyone involved. When I told my mom I suffered from depression, she told me to get over myself she had it first and said “how do you think I feel.” Words I never wanted to hear from my mother. She’s also an alcoholic so the 2 don’t mix well.

When you’re depressed, things just don’t make sense. And the smallest things hurt you. You never feel satisfied. How sad is that, that some people never feel satisfied in their life no matter how many things “go right” in their life. There’s always something to kick you down. It’s a slump that is sometimes so difficult to get out of. I wish so much that there was a quick fix. It’s draining to have all motivation, hope and excitement gone. All happiness washed away. Sometimes you can’t help but think if there will ever be an end to the madness. It’s just a constant voice inside your head bringing you down in everything you do. Not to mention the daily life struggles you feel.

And yet, you put on a smile and face every day…. if anyone out there ever needs an ear, someone to listen without judgement, please talk to me. I understand and I will be there for you if nobody else will. Everyone needs that reminder.

Part 4 – Suicide

Going with my previous blog, I’m about to blog about a very controversial topic. Bearing in mind that my opinion surrounding this topic is very…. unique we will say.

DAMAGE CONTROL! I do not expect you to understand or agree in the slightest. But I do expect that comments remain constructive and not insulting.

Can you imagine feeling like there is no other possible way to fix your life other than just ending it entirely? I’ve been there if you haven’t and let me tell you, it’s the worst possible feeling. Actually. One worse feeling is when you try to complete it, and fail. My exact thoughts when that happened to me were, “I can’t even kill myself right”. By no means am I saying these were healthy thoughts. They weren’t at all. I’m just telling it as how it was at the time.

I’m also going to throw out a point many of you may disagree with, but hear me out. Everyone says that suicide is the cowards way out. I believe that if you have the ability to carry out the act of suicide that you have so much “strength” and control it is unbelievable. Now I don’t mean strength as some of you may be taking it. But to carry out such a powerful and irreversible act, like, I have a hard time carrying out the smallest of tasks….

And I’m going to clear the air by saying it is not a sign of weakness. What it is, is a sign of illness. I suffered from feeling suicidal myself. It’s not easy and the last thing people with these thoughts need is more labels added to them. Wanna hear something sick? When I was younger, maybe 13, I had an addiction to cutting. Disgusting right? But at the time, it showed me physical pain. It showed me I was still alive enough to bleed. And the pain was like an adrenaline rush. I couldn’t get enough. And I learned new places every day to do it so people wouldn’t see. It’s not right, I know this now. At the time though, I didn’t.

When people experience these thoughts, they aren’t typically looking for “an easy out”. Instead they feel like such a constant burden. They feel like nothing they do is ever good enough for anything or anyone. They get sick of going to people with their problems to only be told things like “other people have it worse” or “It’s just a stage you’re going through” or “you’ll be fine. Give it time” or the ever so famous “your life is great, stop being so negative and look at the positive things in your life”. Honestly, if it was that easy for us to see the positive things, don’t you think we would be doing that already? Do you think we enjoy feeling like this? Because we sure as hell don’t. But I remember being so enthralled with all the different ways I could come up with to just do it. Get it over and done with.

I know that there are much better and healthier methods. But what everyone fails to understand is at the time, the thoughts in their minds are so confusing and clouded that people just don’t see them. Instead of judging them and trying to give advice, because let’s face it, nobody wants advice when they feel like that, try listening and understanding. When they come to you, grab their hand and tell them that you understand and you’re there for them. Give them a hug. Hold them and let them cry it out. And for crying out loud, don’t start talking about yourself. Even if you’re trying to show them you’ve gone through it, all you’re doing is shifting the focus and they won’t want to talk about it anymore. They will feel guilty, shut out and insignificant. It’s so hard to talk to people when you feel like that to begin with. Then when you start changing the topic away from them, they again feel like they don’t matter and they feel it’s better not to talk about it. They feel like they finally opened up to someone, to feel like their thoughts and feelings just don’t matter.

I’m not trying to speak for everyone. And I’m not trying to reason with suicide. But we need to do our part to keep our loved ones with us. We need to show support.

I remember the first time my parents caught me cutting myself. They were pissed. They grounded me. Do you think that helped? It didn’t. And then they suffocated me. I understand what they were trying to accomplish, but instead it backfired and that’s when I got more clever about it.

Suicide is a horrible thing for everyone involved. But the people with these thoughts feel afraid and beaten down and just plain depressed. Let’s show love instead of judgement. We need to focus more on building each other up instead of trying to analyse people’s thought process and trying to diagnose them. That’s not our job as their friends and family. That’s their therapists job. Our job is to show unconditional love and support. Through it all. Let them know you’re there to listen with no judgement and that they have a safe place with you.

Part 3 – Karma

I just want to take a minute to let everyone know that everything I post is my opinion and my opinion only. I don’t try to force it on anyone, in fact I encourage everyone to have their own opinion.

I got a letter sent home from my daughter’s school the other day stating why “13 Reasons Why” shouldn’t be encouraged to watch at home. Clearly the people that came up with this letter have never faced bullying or sexual harassment. This show by no means was meant to ‘glorify suicide’ or ‘romantize suicide’ or even to make her look like a hero for carrying out the act. It’s about bringing awareness to bullying and the consequences of it. It’s to teach people that for every action there will always be a reaction, and sometimes, it’s just not a god damn positive one. Congratulations on shutting down awareness on such an already taboo subject (note the sarcasm in saying that).

I understand discretion needs to be taken and I’m not saying the show is perfect and everyone should watch it, but to say “it’s a fictional drama with many unrealistic elements”, like no, this shit is real and it happens. People need to know about suicide, the signs, the impact and everything surrounding it.

Again, I will emphasize that I understand this show is not meant for everyone and we do need to clarify that there are other alternatives, but why add more taboo on this subject and take away from the meaning and lessons behind it?

Now, as to why this blog is entitled karma…. I will admit that when I was in grade school, I was a bully. Now I didn’t go stealing people’s lunch money or shoving them in lockers or anything. But there was this one girl that I didn’t didn’t like, and to be completely honest, I had no reason not to other than I simply thought I was better than her. I was so rude to her and continuously made fun of her. I tried to make sure nobody would associate with her without being shunned by everyone else. This still haunts me to this day. I never realized how it impacted her, until one day, I got what was coming.

Note, this girl is doing fantastic in life and I’m so happy for her. And I have apologized for my wrong doings. Just to clear the air. And had she done what was portrayed in this show, well to be honest, I probably wouldn’t be living anymore myself.

In high school, I was bullied. For all 4 years. I was a wreck. I ended up becoming suicidal. I started becoming bulimic and I hated myself. Every aspect of myself. But my karma didn’t end there. I still feel like I am paying for what I did to this girl. The bullying stopped when I went into university. But from there my karma came in the form of many abusive relationships. Most recently, one where I was abused physically, emotionally, mentally and sexually. Did you know you can be raped by your spouse? I for one didn’t until recently. But thats a story for a different day.

The point I’m trying to make, is if we keep suicide being so hush hush, bullying will never stop. Now, I’ll clarify that I know suicide is not only carried out by people in high school being bullied. But I think it’s a good starting point for breaking the silence.

And for the record, being so low that you feel the only way out is suicide, that’s a feeling nobody should live with. And for myself, I never did carry it out obviously, but sometimes I do still think about it. It’s a sickness and people need to understand that by treating people poorly, it will never go away for that person. The damage will never fully be undone. And I for one, stand by ’13 Reasons Why’ especially after being on both ends of the spectrum and every where in between.

Part 2 – Reality 

As mentioned in my previous post, I have a beautiful daughter. She’s 6 years old now. I had her young, I was 19. The bond between her and I is surreal.

At that time in my life, I was in 1st year university living the typical university life. I had only been dating her father for about 6 months. BOOM. I’m pregnant. Now I didn’t realize at the time how well him and I had both handled the situation until current day.

I remember the day I found out…. it was spitting outside just enough to annoy you. I had just taken 4 pregnancy tests in the Wal-Mart washroom and decided to go to the walk in clinic to verify that both bright pink lines on all 4 tests meant the same thing, knowing damn well it did. Upon hearing the news that I was in fact pregnant I proceeded to call her father. At that time he was shocked yes and worried, but didn’t fail to comfort me and tell me him and I would work it out together. We tried for 6 years after that. Unfortunately it just didn’t work.

Why does this matter?

Fast forward to right now. Like this very second. I’m currently writing this in a walk in clinic waiting room. I just had 4 positive tests and am awaiting the official confirmation.

Why is this time different?

Well my current “relationship” is all kinds of fucked up. He is a young widow. I was recently out of a very abusive relationship (that’s a story for a different day). Things were great until they just werent. Some may say he just wasn’t over her, others that we just weren’t meant to be. Fact Is, I’ll never know the truth, nor do I think I want to.

I was in love. Over the moon. He was the best man I have ever been with. When he broke up with me 4 months ago, I was devastated to say the least. Now as pathetic as this is, I needed to have him in my life in which ever way I could. Even if that meant just having sex with him.

I told him last week I had the suspicion. Big mistake.  He went crazy thinking he wasn’t ready, he had to move, he didn’t want to be in the babys life.  Then yesterday I found out the truth. It’s only because the baby was with me. And not her. I was crushed. But last night he messaged me saying we needed talk. So we talked and he said he was wrong and sorry and he wanted to be in the babys life. Well I thought this could be my window. So I asked of we could try again. The answer of course was “I never want to date you again.”

Back to today. In this waiting room. Waiting to find out if I’m pregnant with his baby. I can’t help but compare how different they handled it and how someone who was 19, completely irresponsible and broke handled it so much better than a 34 year old man who has his life completely together. In hindsight, these two story’s I would have expected to go the complete opposite way.

Take note, my daughter’s father and do not get a long whatsoever and there is a lot of drama currently with him. So I am in no way defending him. But that’s a story for a different day.

Part 1 – The Many Battles #mylife #thetruth #harshreality #nobodyknows

By looking at me, hell, even by talking to me, most people would say my life is pretty normal. Some might even say I’m doing pretty well for myself. I have a great job, my own car, my own house, a beautiful and sweet daughter, my family, a couple close friends, and my cat and dog. I always smile, laugh, apologize, and try my best to be the best I can be. I always seem to have a great disposition and seem very collected and at ease. That’s the thing about perceptions, they can be so deceiving.

#Depression. By definition means having “feelings of severe despondency and dejection”.

#Anxiety. This is “a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome”.

Try having both. Not to mention the lovely #PTSD. No, I was not in the military. Much to contrary disbelief, that’s not the only way you get it. I also suffer from eating disorders that come and go as they please. And lastly, the famous #OCD. Great combination, eh?

Best part of it all, nobody knows. Except my therapist. Nobody can even tell. Which is both a blessing, and a curse.