So far I have discussed Ex 2 and bypassed Ex 1. I’m going to continue to bypass him and discuss Ex 3.
If you recall the one blog I wrote about my current state (yes I’m still pregnant), the man involved is Ex 3. Ex 3 is a widow. He is only 35 years old. I met him 3 months after Ex 2 had left the picture. It’s been basically a year now that he has been in my life. I haven’t yet decided if this is a good thing or not.
As it is with every new relationship, the beginning was perfect. I wasn’t even looking for a relationship at the time. Hell, I wasn’t even the slightest bit attracted to him in any way when we started talking. At first we were connected through a mutual friend who thought we could help heal each other and just be that support that the other needed. Him and I agreed that nothing would ever transpire between the two of us. As time went on I saw into his beautiful soul. The man that I never even considered dating became so important to me. I couldn’t help but fall for him. He was amazing. He said all of the right things at the right time. Based on my past, I know better than to believe just words. But even his actions were perfect. They spoke all the words that we couldn’t find to say to each other. Soon we decided we would date, but keep it on the downlow as he had his burdens to bare, and I had mine. Perhaps this was our mistake.
As time went on I thought things would start coming out and the pictures he had up would slowly start to go away. That’s the thing about expectations. They kill you from the inside. As they didn’t start progressing, I started regressing to my past. All my insecurities and trust issues came to surface. That’s when he started shutting down.
The fire that burned so bright and so quickly, was put out like it was just a matchstick in the rain. All of the good times and things he said, soon meant nothing to him. I still cling to those moments. I think it’s harder for me because once I get involved, I give it my all. So I did and now I can’t take it back. I can’t stop myself from still being in love with him.
I blame myself for a lot of it. Sure, he has his parts in this. For example, him shutting me out, more pictures going up instead of coming down, he became secretive and started hiding things…. the biggest thing is that he said he doesn’t love me anymore.
I remember the first time he said he loved me like it happened yesterday. We were sitting in his basement watching a movie. I was telling him how I wasn’t ready for anything serious and that I needed more reassurance. Thats when he grabbed my hips and pulled me closer to him. He held me as he looked deep into my eyes, as if he could see my pain and said “I love you. How is that for reassurance? I love you.” He gave me the cutest smile and kissed me.
Now to today, he says things like “I don’t love you anymore”, “You’re like heroine” (when I asked what that meant, he wasn’t talking about me as a person, purely having sex with me), he’s upset because “the baby is with me” meaning not with her…. how can someone go from saying that “I’ll take all the bad for the good. We deserve to be together and make each other this happy. Nothing good comes easy.”, to “we will never date again, you need to just let me go.”
The main reason I had in my head for never wanting to date him was that I knew he was a widow and I did not want to be the first “tester” into the dating world. He spent 2 months convincing me that that was not the case. I fell for it. And now we’re here. He told me the other day that it was different back then, he thought he was ready but he was wrong.
How can you make such promises to me and break them? I told you how fragile my heart was and how I never wanted to date because I can’t take it anymore. How can you run that risk when I told you my heart and mind cannot handle it? How could you break me like this?
The biggest painful memory that I caused that I can remember is on day I slept over at his house on a work night. That morning we got ready as usual and got to our cars in his driveway ready to leave. He looked at me and said “have a great great, I love you.” I looked at him, smiled and simply said “have a great day”, got in my car and drove away. This was 3 months after us dating. That night we got together and I told him I was not in love with him anymore. Why would I say that? I am STILL so in love with him.
That’s the kicker, I don’t believe that he doesn’t love me because he simply fell out of love with me. He doesn’t love me anymore because I told him I didn’t love him anymore. He doesn’t love me because I lied to him. I lost a great man, over fear and pride.
He’s a very logical thinker and has a great ability to let his mind take over and block out all thoughts. And that’s just what he’s done. He’s blocked me out. Hes also a Virgo. Yes, I follow signs. Virgos are so unbelievably logical and stubborn. He will never come back.
We’ve also decided that it’s best that I don’t keep the baby. The first person to put anything negative in my comments…. well no threats here, let’s just try to not be judgemental of me and bring me down. The reason we have chosen this is simply because it will never work. We will have a messy, difficult time. He doesn’t want it and wants to be out of my life. He would be in the child’s life if we kept it, but he would fight for it to be with him and not me. That’s what he said, I’m not throwing around assumptions. It would be 18 years of absolute hell. He has been supportive through the process but deep down I know it is all manipulation to ensure I go through with the process (as this is not what I wanted to do at all) and to make sure I’m out of his life as quickly and as quietly as possible. Just a ploy to get his way.
I struggle with how we went from where we were, to where we are now. Sometimes I don’t believe that it’s over. It can’t be. We still hang out and talk every day…. But I have to remember it’s just for sex and for him to get his way. He told me numerous times that he regrets not just leaving fully back in December. He doesn’t want me. He doesn’t love me. He wants, and he loves, her. Not me. It will never be me.
How can I be hurting so bad over losing someone…. who honestly, was never mine. I never stood a chance. Even if I was perfect the whole way through, we still would have ended up here. I should have listened to my gut. I knew better. But I fell for it.
Thank You, Ex. 3, for all your broken and empty promises.