Lately I’ve been struggling. A lot. With many different things. Usually I dedicate each blog to a specific topic. But this time, I’m going to vent.
So COVID is cool. Basically makes anxiety from hell simmer down completely. Not. It’s like “hey, I know you’re struggling, but isolate yourself from everyone, dont go anywhere, fear everything and you cant go to counseling anymore”. *DISCLAIMER: I know I am exaggerating. I’m not interested in discussing theories and yes, I wear my mask in public like a good little human. Dont attack me for explaining MY anxiety.*
Now my brother. Recovering drug addict (yay for him!! I couldnt be more proud). However. With recovery comes all of the withdrawal consequences. He is doing great for himself, has a job, lives with his girlfriend and her adorable daughter. But. He abuses her. More verbal than physical, however to me based on my past, neither are less severe than each other and both are inexcusable.
Taking the 2 above points and putting them together sucks. Now when I need counseling to help my PTSD (triggered by my brother abusing his girlfriend), I cant go. So I try to call the 24/7 hour counseling hotline. Lifes sick irony keeps me on hold for 10 minutes and then I hang up. And I really wanted to reach out to my brothers girlfriend and was struggling internally with that. I was a mess. (Also, if anyone wants to try and blast me for making this about me, I didnt, I contacted my brothers girlfriend and helped her through it).
Now let’s add working with my ex in the mix. An ex I cant get over. Literally brings me to psychotic points where I cant control my emotions. I am fine at work. It’s when I get home. Every time I see him, I fall apart. So that’s cool.
I struggle with social media. There are several very popular topics right now (COVID, masks, BLM, Wayfair, etc.) There is so much negativity. They say opinions are like ass holes, everyone has one. True. But it’s sad that nobody can Express their own thoughts or opinions without getting attacked by keyboard warriors. And honestly, they have no shame. Name calling, insulting and speculating strangers. Even elderly are victims. There is so much hate.
Home is a prison to me after 5 months of being locked in. Work is hell. I cant go anywhere and if I can, watch for the drama every where. Fear of doing something wrong.
My sister after 2 years of struggling was finally able to conceive. I, for the first time in my life cried tears of happiness. In a very quick 4 weeks, it tragically ended in miscarriage. Again how easy it was for my anxiety and depression to join in. Soon I was overtaken with feelings of guilt and shame for my past choices. If you’ve read my previous blogs you know what I’m referring to. Dont get me wrong, I cried my shame away every night for weeks after the news of my sisters miscarriage, but every day I was either calling every hour to check in or was at her house. She has no idea the toll I had taken upon myself because it was more important for me to be strong for her than to show her the hurt. But every night when I was alone….
I’m in a very bad place mentally. I’m struggling daily. I wont give up. But sometimes, I wish something out of my control would rescue me from this world.
I’ve lost faith. I dont know if I believe in fate, god, spiritual energirs, Angel’s, destiny, astrology. How easy it is to get lost in this world right now. Where do you turn when you dont know what to believe.