Part 11 – Hindsight

I guess now is as good a time as ever to talk about Ex 1.

I don’t know where to start so I suppose I’ll start at the beginning, it’s usually a good place to start. I had just graduated grade 12 and was getting ready for my first year of university. I lived the typical teen life, drinking, laughing and partying all summer long. I went to numerous parties with my one cousin that I was close with at the time. I was also going through a bad break up and needed to get out, let loose and have fun. Ok, so I admit that Ex 1 isn’t actually my first ever Ex, but he’s the one that changed my life the most, he gave me my daughter.

I met Ex 1 at a party, we didn’t really talk much the whole time to be honest. He was always around this one girl that I believed to be his girlfriend. It ended up not being his girlfriend at all and was just someone that was always drunk (well, more drunk than anyone else at any of those parties) and hanging all over him. He was also going through a break up so I’m sure he didn’t mind all that much.

The more parties that I went to, the more I saw him around. It started with casual texting, which wasn’t a big deal because as I started going to more parties, I was getting more friends anyways. Obviously the more we started talking, the more I started to fall for him. Soon we were swooning over each other and couldn’t get enough of each other…. cute huh? Just kidding, realistically, we talked a couple times, went to a party, both got drunk, then we fell into a tent together and slept together. Not so cute. Then I found out he was a virgin. Now I barely talked to this guy before, but he seemed sweet and now I felt bad that I took his virginity and barely even remembered.

As bad as this sounds, we started dating, more or less because I felt guilty and didn’t want him to loose his virginity like that. Then after we started dating, I started to fall for him. Don’t worry, our entire story is this backwards.

6 months after dating this guy out of pity, I found out I was pregnant. I just started university, barely in a stable relationship, and pregnant. Ex 1 by the way was just graduating high school. Yes, he is a year younger than me.

Anyways, with me being 18 and him 17, we decided to keep the baby and work it out together. Him and I, forever and for always. I didn’t know that ‘always’ would be only 6 years.

On Janurary 24th, our beautiful daughter was born. She is without a doubt my blessing. She is my best friend. Let’s not get into the argument about how children shouldn’t be your friends. I’ll just say I pull the mom card when needed. But I would not be where I am in my life without her, she makes even my hardest days more than worth it.

After our daughter was born things started going south with us. We fought all the time because he never wanted to help, I’m sure I was sleep deprived and we just couldn’t make it work. Still, both of us are very stubborn so we kept sticking it out. He kept loosing his jobs, we couldn’t find a decent place to live in for more than a few months at a time, our vehicle was basically 1000 years old (yes I said 1000, yes I’m over exaggerating) and it kept breaking down. It seemed the two of us could never catch a break. With all that being said, I did take 1.5 years off of school and work to be with her, which was the best choice I ever made. We developed a great bond and she was well ready for daycare when she had to join, not to brag, but she has always been a smart cookie (props to me).

After taking time off of work, we decided it was time for me to go back. I was working 70 hours a week as a packer in a greenhouse. I was gone before she woke up in the morning and home after she went to bed. Not only that though, I was still the only one doing the cooking and cleaning and laundry…. exhaustion setting in. I finally hit my breaking point and said “Fuck it, I’m going back to school instead.”

Now I was in school full-time and decided to work as much as possible afterwards as a waitress. Let’s keep in mind that this whole time even while he kept loosing jobs, he was never out of a job. So he has been working this whole time. Anyways, I was a full-time student and a part-time waitress. Yet, I was still the only one paying all the bills, still doing all the housework and cooking and cleaning, and now childcare drop off and pick up. To top it off, there were many times I would come home at 12am, after a full day of school and a shift at work and he would be passed out on the couch after work because he was so tired. I’m not saying he’s not tired, but I was always up as early as he was and up way later than him. As this kept happening more and more, I was loosing my patience.

We were engaged to be married. We had the date set for 2 years later. By this time we were already together for 4 years. We were going to get married on our 6th dating anniversary.

I called the wedding off 6 months before we got married.

Since calling off the wedding, my life really started.

To be honest, even to this day, I have many different theories as to why exactly I called the wedding off. Maybe I was so exhausted that I just couldn’t do it anymore. Maybe I never really loved him and I just tried my hardest because I thought it was what was best for our daughter. Maybe I was settling because I didn’t want to be another statistic. Maybe I was settling because I was afraid of being a single mom, never finding someone who wanted a woman with a baby by another guy. Maybe I was ashamed that for once, I couldn’t make things work, even with as much as I wanted to. Ex 2 was just coming in the picture, perhaps I thought the grass was greener on the other side. It could be all or none of those things. But for some reason, my thoughts always circle back to, “I just really wanted him to finally see all that I did for him, for him to smarten up and change, for him to come back to me and tell me how sorry he was and how much he missed and needed me”. I feel like deep down, I never wanted to leave him entirely.

That could be why I have never been able to fully give my all to someone else…. to be honest, sometimes I’m not convinced that I’m over him.

I took a chance with fate. I played with fire…. and I got burned.

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