Part 13 – Rediscovery

So. I have been a little MIA lately. I will admit that I’m not an avid blogger. I started my blog with the intentions of finding a way to fully disclose my life with no secrets, to try and repair myself. I thought that once I got it all out there, the bad and the good, that I would feel better. My issue is that in my life I always try to find temporary quick fixes to try to make my life seem better than it is. I so desperately wanted to stop the feeling of loneliness from creeping in, all I have ever wanted it to be truly happy. I know the saying ‘life is not the amount of breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away’ and ‘money cannot buy happiness’. Still, I thought that the more I had, the more I spent, the more expensive my clothes were, how great my hair looked…. that someone would walk into my life just like in the movies (I know, I have really got to stop comparing my life to movies). As a Pinterest reference, I have now completed my entire Pinterest closet. Yay me.

I have not only used this blog as a fix, but I have used shopping, partying, smoking, really anything that I thought would make me feel better. What I failed to notice, until more recently, was that these temporary fixes only last for a short while. I mean, hence the word temporary right. Most people know the definition of temporary. Well, I wouldn’t say I didn’t know the definition of temporary because I do, and I did in fact know that they were temporary fixes…. I’m not entirely sure if I convinced myself that they would help until things got better or if I convinced myself that if I had enough of them that they would become long term. In all honesty, I had no idea. I was looking for anything that would make me smile, even if for a short while and hope for the best.

While I have been MIA, I have started noticing how I always try to fill these empty voids in my life with these short term fixes. I learned that the only long term fix that I would always be able to rely on is myself. So I sat there. And sat there. Then I thought to myself, who the hell am I?! I had no idea. I know that I am NOT my past. I know that my past has shaped and formed me into this person. But who is this person.

So I started my next adventure. I have started to really take care of myself. I never knew I could find such peace in my life just getting to know myself. I mean, I’m fricken hilarious.

For most of my life I have gone from relationship to relationship. I have now officially been single for a year (if you don’t count that one short fling). I have taken myself on dates, something I never thought I would be able to do. I was always so concerned about what other people would think about me…. “hey, look at that girl out for dinner by herself, what a loser” or “awe, she must be so lonely, I feel so bad for her”…. how conceded of me to think that I would literally be the focus point in the whole entire restaurant. But even if I was the focus point, I should feel more flattered than embarrassed, “hey everyone, look how awesome I am”.

Not only have I started going on me-dates, I have had nice, quiet, romantic dinners at home with a nice glass of wine, good music, an enticing book, or a movie I have always wanted to watch. I cannot for the life of me understand why I thought I needed to find someone to watch a movie with. And instead of staying in my house to write this like I usually do, I’m actually in a coffee shop. Alone. Just writing. Because, why not? And I really don’t care what people think. I am so relaxed right now. I’m eating better, smiling more, laughing louder and loving life. Don’t get me wrong, I still have demons from my past to deal with, and I’m not saying that a year of dating myself has been fun and easy and was the cure to all my misery. I still have a long way to go. But looking back at this time last year, I have come so far. I really needed to stop discrediting myself by saying “I’m broken” or “I’m damaged”. I really just need to say “I can have fun by myself” or “I’m actually really awesome”.

I always used to be envious of people who were always surrounded by others. Recently I have taken an interest in getting to know those people. I find them intriguing. Know why? Because every time I start talking about dating myself and having me-dates (maybe I should find a different way to phrase it), they laugh. Instead of feeling backed into a corner and getting defensive, I simply ask why its so funny. Their answer amazes me. Most people that I have encountered this with say something along the lines of “I hate being alone” or “I’d much rather have company”. Instead of envy, I feel an overwhelming sense of sadness for them. People need to learn how to be alone. It is so important. If there’s one thing I learned it’s that you cannot rely on others for a source of happiness. I’m not talking about me being against people having friends and going out with them. I’m talking about people who literally cannot be alone for any period of time without having at least one person to talk to. Similar to social media and cell phones, people have been so accustomed to always having someone there. People are so consumed with having followers, how many likes they get on their selfies, keeping up with the Jones’, they are missing out on being happy with what they have and who they are. My personal opinion is that they will never feel fully satisfied. You should eat healthy for your health, not to post pictures of it. Watch your childs play instead of being focused on capturing the perfect moment to post for your friends, because you will always miss it, and then you wont have the memory or the picture. Don’t worry about who likes your hair, get it done how you like. Formulate your own opinions, don’t follow trends. Find you, be you, for you. It sounds really cheesy, but honestly, there will always be a point in your life where you will not have anyone there. You need to know how to appreciate yourself. You need to know how to take care of yourself, how to love yourself, how to make yourself feel better when you’re feeling down.

I’m not entirely sure how to end this blog. But I do know there will be more coming about my past that are not this optimistic. So hopefully you embraced the positivity in this one….. and….that’s the end of this blog.

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