Part 9 – Let’s Pretend

I asked you not to. I asked you to believe me. I begged you not to try to get close to me. You were bound and determined break down my walls. I knew better. I kept trying to tell myself it was different. I really thought it was you. I really wanted it to be you. You wanted me to need you and want you in my life. As much as I tried to prevent that from happening, you got your way. You got in. Now I can’t get you out. I pleaded with you to try and make you stay away, and then again to make you stay. I fell in love again. We all know, love is the most destructive method of self harm.

All that’s left is white stains from the tears running down my cheeks. Are you happy? You just had to prove I would love again, didn’t you. Are you satisfied? Did you get what you wanted? You said you knew what you were doing, you could handle it, all the bad for the good, remember…. for what? The bad to be bad enough that you decided you were wrong? Where are the repercussions for lying? Where is the justice? How is this fair? 

Based off my previous posts, I’m sure you all know I’m a broken person. No, I don’t want your pity. We’re all broken in our own little ways. I’m a disaster though. A storm that is magnificent and powerful at the best of times, but destructive, gloomy, cold and dreadful most times. Powerful enough to captivate and enthrawl you for a little while, and then just like that, you’re over it and all it’s glory. You just want it to end.

When broken people love, they love hard. Not because they are desperate, but because they, being broken, know what it’s like to not love or be loved. Broken people know the pain people feel. They know what it’s like to not feel loved and what kind of love they want. They will give it their all to make sure nobody feels the way they do inside, like their drowning in their own storm. Broken people love how they want to be loved. Love is in movies, so beautiful and magical. In reality, its never going to be how Hollywood portrays it.

Can’t you see this is killing me? I can’t keep letting people in for them to just leave. It seems the only time I’m right anymore is when I say people always leave. My heart is shattered. I can’t seem to fix it anymore. It’s devastating to go from someone’s everything, to nothing. And it keeps happening over and over again. 

I’m done.

So let’s go back to being strangers. Pretend like nothing happened between us. Forget all the good times we had and all we went through. I’ll pretend I didn’t come all the way out of my comfort zone to let you in just for you to walk away. Let’s do that. Lets pretend we never see each other, we’ll walk past each other like the other doesn’t exist. I’ll act like it doesn’t bother me when I see you smiling and laughing knowing you’re happier without me. Lets pretend we never loved each other, we can forget all the times you said forever. Lets pretend theres no pain either one of us bear from this. Let’s slowly kill ourselves with the hidden truth of what actually happened. Nobody will know anyways right? Wrong. We know. We both do.

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