Part 13 – Rediscovery

So. I have been a little MIA lately. I will admit that I’m not an avid blogger. I started my blog with the intentions of finding a way to fully disclose my life with no secrets, to try and repair myself. I thought that once I got it all out there, the bad and the good, that I would feel better. My issue is that in my life I always try to find temporary quick fixes to try to make my life seem better than it is. I so desperately wanted to stop the feeling of loneliness from creeping in, all I have ever wanted it to be truly happy. I know the saying ‘life is not the amount of breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away’ and ‘money cannot buy happiness’. Still, I thought that the more I had, the more I spent, the more expensive my clothes were, how great my hair looked…. that someone would walk into my life just like in the movies (I know, I have really got to stop comparing my life to movies). As a Pinterest reference, I have now completed my entire Pinterest closet. Yay me.

I have not only used this blog as a fix, but I have used shopping, partying, smoking, really anything that I thought would make me feel better. What I failed to notice, until more recently, was that these temporary fixes only last for a short while. I mean, hence the word temporary right. Most people know the definition of temporary. Well, I wouldn’t say I didn’t know the definition of temporary because I do, and I did in fact know that they were temporary fixes…. I’m not entirely sure if I convinced myself that they would help until things got better or if I convinced myself that if I had enough of them that they would become long term. In all honesty, I had no idea. I was looking for anything that would make me smile, even if for a short while and hope for the best.

While I have been MIA, I have started noticing how I always try to fill these empty voids in my life with these short term fixes. I learned that the only long term fix that I would always be able to rely on is myself. So I sat there. And sat there. Then I thought to myself, who the hell am I?! I had no idea. I know that I am NOT my past. I know that my past has shaped and formed me into this person. But who is this person.

So I started my next adventure. I have started to really take care of myself. I never knew I could find such peace in my life just getting to know myself. I mean, I’m fricken hilarious.

For most of my life I have gone from relationship to relationship. I have now officially been single for a year (if you don’t count that one short fling). I have taken myself on dates, something I never thought I would be able to do. I was always so concerned about what other people would think about me…. “hey, look at that girl out for dinner by herself, what a loser” or “awe, she must be so lonely, I feel so bad for her”…. how conceded of me to think that I would literally be the focus point in the whole entire restaurant. But even if I was the focus point, I should feel more flattered than embarrassed, “hey everyone, look how awesome I am”.

Not only have I started going on me-dates, I have had nice, quiet, romantic dinners at home with a nice glass of wine, good music, an enticing book, or a movie I have always wanted to watch. I cannot for the life of me understand why I thought I needed to find someone to watch a movie with. And instead of staying in my house to write this like I usually do, I’m actually in a coffee shop. Alone. Just writing. Because, why not? And I really don’t care what people think. I am so relaxed right now. I’m eating better, smiling more, laughing louder and loving life. Don’t get me wrong, I still have demons from my past to deal with, and I’m not saying that a year of dating myself has been fun and easy and was the cure to all my misery. I still have a long way to go. But looking back at this time last year, I have come so far. I really needed to stop discrediting myself by saying “I’m broken” or “I’m damaged”. I really just need to say “I can have fun by myself” or “I’m actually really awesome”.

I always used to be envious of people who were always surrounded by others. Recently I have taken an interest in getting to know those people. I find them intriguing. Know why? Because every time I start talking about dating myself and having me-dates (maybe I should find a different way to phrase it), they laugh. Instead of feeling backed into a corner and getting defensive, I simply ask why its so funny. Their answer amazes me. Most people that I have encountered this with say something along the lines of “I hate being alone” or “I’d much rather have company”. Instead of envy, I feel an overwhelming sense of sadness for them. People need to learn how to be alone. It is so important. If there’s one thing I learned it’s that you cannot rely on others for a source of happiness. I’m not talking about me being against people having friends and going out with them. I’m talking about people who literally cannot be alone for any period of time without having at least one person to talk to. Similar to social media and cell phones, people have been so accustomed to always having someone there. People are so consumed with having followers, how many likes they get on their selfies, keeping up with the Jones’, they are missing out on being happy with what they have and who they are. My personal opinion is that they will never feel fully satisfied. You should eat healthy for your health, not to post pictures of it. Watch your childs play instead of being focused on capturing the perfect moment to post for your friends, because you will always miss it, and then you wont have the memory or the picture. Don’t worry about who likes your hair, get it done how you like. Formulate your own opinions, don’t follow trends. Find you, be you, for you. It sounds really cheesy, but honestly, there will always be a point in your life where you will not have anyone there. You need to know how to appreciate yourself. You need to know how to take care of yourself, how to love yourself, how to make yourself feel better when you’re feeling down.

I’m not entirely sure how to end this blog. But I do know there will be more coming about my past that are not this optimistic. So hopefully you embraced the positivity in this one….. and….that’s the end of this blog.

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Part 12 – Almost

Things ended as quickly as they began. Literally 3 weeks. That’s all it took. To be nothing, almost something and back to nothing. 

An immediate connection, fueled by mutual passion. Maybe it was lust, but perhaps, love at first sight. Whatever it was…. it was perfect while it lasted. 

3 weeks of a whirlwind storm. He was a walking Katy Perry song, even though he hates that reference. Hot and cold, in and out. A beautiful paradox. Never quite sure what he wanted, but at the least, he knew every time we talked, that there was something. We both knew. Although inexplicable, I will try my best to illustrate. 
If I may be so bold as to say it was a movie. We hit it off instantly, we understood each other, we laughed, we joked, and we were instantly connected in a way that we both felt comfortable from the first time we hung out. And I cant quite find the words to explain the feeling. A feeling we both felt and talked about but couldnt figure out what it was. It just felt right. 

I’m not sure what my beliefs are, whether spiritual or religious, but I do believe in something. Whether its fate, destiny, the stars, a God or Angel’s…. something brought us together and something was there…. a spark, a fire, chemistry, whatever you want to call it. It was undeniable. People that didn’t even know we talked saw something by the way we looked at each other. I’m going to get cheesy here for a minute, but when our eyes met, I swear my soul was dancing.

But we work together. We also work with his ex girlfriend. Hence the dwindling of our flame. Actually, it was more of an immediate burn out. We went to the park at lunch so as to not let our colleagues know we were talking, and after so many laughs, and multiple times hugging goodbye because 3 hugs just wasn’t enough, I got in my car to return to work, and there she was. The ex. Parked directly beside my car. 

An hour later after she approached his car as I drove away, I got the message. And just like that, our flame was gone.

Perhaps it’s too soon to tell if this story is done or if it’s just begun…. but I wont hold my breath. Regardless, these past 3 weeks were a movie I would rewatch over and over again. It was the perfect chick flick. A feel good movie with a sad ending that you never know whether or not it’s the ending. 

Part 11 – Hindsight

I guess now is as good a time as ever to talk about Ex 1.

I don’t know where to start so I suppose I’ll start at the beginning, it’s usually a good place to start. I had just graduated grade 12 and was getting ready for my first year of university. I lived the typical teen life, drinking, laughing and partying all summer long. I went to numerous parties with my one cousin that I was close with at the time. I was also going through a bad break up and needed to get out, let loose and have fun. Ok, so I admit that Ex 1 isn’t actually my first ever Ex, but he’s the one that changed my life the most, he gave me my daughter.

I met Ex 1 at a party, we didn’t really talk much the whole time to be honest. He was always around this one girl that I believed to be his girlfriend. It ended up not being his girlfriend at all and was just someone that was always drunk (well, more drunk than anyone else at any of those parties) and hanging all over him. He was also going through a break up so I’m sure he didn’t mind all that much.

The more parties that I went to, the more I saw him around. It started with casual texting, which wasn’t a big deal because as I started going to more parties, I was getting more friends anyways. Obviously the more we started talking, the more I started to fall for him. Soon we were swooning over each other and couldn’t get enough of each other…. cute huh? Just kidding, realistically, we talked a couple times, went to a party, both got drunk, then we fell into a tent together and slept together. Not so cute. Then I found out he was a virgin. Now I barely talked to this guy before, but he seemed sweet and now I felt bad that I took his virginity and barely even remembered.

As bad as this sounds, we started dating, more or less because I felt guilty and didn’t want him to loose his virginity like that. Then after we started dating, I started to fall for him. Don’t worry, our entire story is this backwards.

6 months after dating this guy out of pity, I found out I was pregnant. I just started university, barely in a stable relationship, and pregnant. Ex 1 by the way was just graduating high school. Yes, he is a year younger than me.

Anyways, with me being 18 and him 17, we decided to keep the baby and work it out together. Him and I, forever and for always. I didn’t know that ‘always’ would be only 6 years.

On Janurary 24th, our beautiful daughter was born. She is without a doubt my blessing. She is my best friend. Let’s not get into the argument about how children shouldn’t be your friends. I’ll just say I pull the mom card when needed. But I would not be where I am in my life without her, she makes even my hardest days more than worth it.

After our daughter was born things started going south with us. We fought all the time because he never wanted to help, I’m sure I was sleep deprived and we just couldn’t make it work. Still, both of us are very stubborn so we kept sticking it out. He kept loosing his jobs, we couldn’t find a decent place to live in for more than a few months at a time, our vehicle was basically 1000 years old (yes I said 1000, yes I’m over exaggerating) and it kept breaking down. It seemed the two of us could never catch a break. With all that being said, I did take 1.5 years off of school and work to be with her, which was the best choice I ever made. We developed a great bond and she was well ready for daycare when she had to join, not to brag, but she has always been a smart cookie (props to me).

After taking time off of work, we decided it was time for me to go back. I was working 70 hours a week as a packer in a greenhouse. I was gone before she woke up in the morning and home after she went to bed. Not only that though, I was still the only one doing the cooking and cleaning and laundry…. exhaustion setting in. I finally hit my breaking point and said “Fuck it, I’m going back to school instead.”

Now I was in school full-time and decided to work as much as possible afterwards as a waitress. Let’s keep in mind that this whole time even while he kept loosing jobs, he was never out of a job. So he has been working this whole time. Anyways, I was a full-time student and a part-time waitress. Yet, I was still the only one paying all the bills, still doing all the housework and cooking and cleaning, and now childcare drop off and pick up. To top it off, there were many times I would come home at 12am, after a full day of school and a shift at work and he would be passed out on the couch after work because he was so tired. I’m not saying he’s not tired, but I was always up as early as he was and up way later than him. As this kept happening more and more, I was loosing my patience.

We were engaged to be married. We had the date set for 2 years later. By this time we were already together for 4 years. We were going to get married on our 6th dating anniversary.

I called the wedding off 6 months before we got married.

Since calling off the wedding, my life really started.

To be honest, even to this day, I have many different theories as to why exactly I called the wedding off. Maybe I was so exhausted that I just couldn’t do it anymore. Maybe I never really loved him and I just tried my hardest because I thought it was what was best for our daughter. Maybe I was settling because I didn’t want to be another statistic. Maybe I was settling because I was afraid of being a single mom, never finding someone who wanted a woman with a baby by another guy. Maybe I was ashamed that for once, I couldn’t make things work, even with as much as I wanted to. Ex 2 was just coming in the picture, perhaps I thought the grass was greener on the other side. It could be all or none of those things. But for some reason, my thoughts always circle back to, “I just really wanted him to finally see all that I did for him, for him to smarten up and change, for him to come back to me and tell me how sorry he was and how much he missed and needed me”. I feel like deep down, I never wanted to leave him entirely.

That could be why I have never been able to fully give my all to someone else…. to be honest, sometimes I’m not convinced that I’m over him.

I took a chance with fate. I played with fire…. and I got burned.

Part 10 – One Day

I miss you. Or at least I think do. 

You made me smile. You swept me off my feet. When I was sad, you were there. You supported me. You helped build me up. You helped me get over some pretty big obstacles in my life. You are the reason for many things in my life right now. Without you, I wouldn’t have had the courage to go through even half of what I have gone through. 

But things changed. With miscommunication, stress and no patience left for me and my broken pieces anymore, you left. I kept you in my life by becoming your booty call. Just so you would stick around. I told myself I was over you. I told myself I didn’t like you anymore. But, who am I to lie to myself. 

When things changed, you changed. You’ve ignored me, insulted me, belittled me, disrespected me. You lied and hid things. You treated me like I was nothing. You made me ashamed of myself. You made me cry myself to sleep countless times and never even batted an eye. You made me feel stupid when I had hurt feelings when you said something rude. I wasn’t allowed to get angry or frustrated. I wasn’t allowed to ask questions about anything. It was all on your terms and on your timing.

Alright, listen. Dispite what I just said, I still like you. I have this whole time. I’ve tried so hard to hate you and avoid you and all that shit but it’s not working. You gave me something very different than anyone else ever did. I like you. I’m sorry but I do. I’ve wanted you back. I never stopped. I tried to convince myself I didn’t and I thought I believed myself but deep down I knew I was just deceiving myself. Just playing the game. Trying to keep you close. I keep wishing one day you’ll knock on my door and we’ll have that cheesy, sweep me off my feet make up thing going on that happens in movies. I’ll never stop wanting that. 

You said we should start dating other people. If you want to date other people, then please do. I won’t be dating though. I tried talking to other people and I just couldn’t stop but think that they weren’t you. I wish you the best, I really do. I want you to be happy. I just wanted it to be with me. But if you’re happy, then ill be happy for you even of its not with me. I’ll never be able to block you out. So my phone is always open to you. And so is my door. I’ve always hoped that the reason we haven’t been able to stay away from each other was because you secretly wanted the same thing. I get it, you don’t. And it was only because of sex and because I’m too persistant and made you cave and made you come over and talk to me and that you never wanted to. But I’ll never stop wishing that you do. 

You want me to stay away then I will. But I can’t keep lying to you or myself anymore. I like you. I want you. But more importantly I want you to be happy. So I’ll leave you alone. If you ever change your mind, and God knows I hope you do, I’ll be here.

But here’s the thing…. it won’t last forever. 

One day, I will move on. I won’t want to call you. Something good will happen, and I won’t look for your excitement. Or perhaps it’ll be something bad, and I won’t search for your comfort.

One day I won’t miss you. It might take sometime, but I promise I won’t. And maybe when that time comes I’ll realize…. maybe it isn’t you I miss, but who I thought you were. Who you’re not. Maybe I miss an illusion. 

Part 9 – Let’s Pretend

I asked you not to. I asked you to believe me. I begged you not to try to get close to me. You were bound and determined break down my walls. I knew better. I kept trying to tell myself it was different. I really thought it was you. I really wanted it to be you. You wanted me to need you and want you in my life. As much as I tried to prevent that from happening, you got your way. You got in. Now I can’t get you out. I pleaded with you to try and make you stay away, and then again to make you stay. I fell in love again. We all know, love is the most destructive method of self harm.

All that’s left is white stains from the tears running down my cheeks. Are you happy? You just had to prove I would love again, didn’t you. Are you satisfied? Did you get what you wanted? You said you knew what you were doing, you could handle it, all the bad for the good, remember…. for what? The bad to be bad enough that you decided you were wrong? Where are the repercussions for lying? Where is the justice? How is this fair? 

Based off my previous posts, I’m sure you all know I’m a broken person. No, I don’t want your pity. We’re all broken in our own little ways. I’m a disaster though. A storm that is magnificent and powerful at the best of times, but destructive, gloomy, cold and dreadful most times. Powerful enough to captivate and enthrawl you for a little while, and then just like that, you’re over it and all it’s glory. You just want it to end.

When broken people love, they love hard. Not because they are desperate, but because they, being broken, know what it’s like to not love or be loved. Broken people know the pain people feel. They know what it’s like to not feel loved and what kind of love they want. They will give it their all to make sure nobody feels the way they do inside, like their drowning in their own storm. Broken people love how they want to be loved. Love is in movies, so beautiful and magical. In reality, its never going to be how Hollywood portrays it.

Can’t you see this is killing me? I can’t keep letting people in for them to just leave. It seems the only time I’m right anymore is when I say people always leave. My heart is shattered. I can’t seem to fix it anymore. It’s devastating to go from someone’s everything, to nothing. And it keeps happening over and over again. 

I’m done.

So let’s go back to being strangers. Pretend like nothing happened between us. Forget all the good times we had and all we went through. I’ll pretend I didn’t come all the way out of my comfort zone to let you in just for you to walk away. Let’s do that. Lets pretend we never see each other, we’ll walk past each other like the other doesn’t exist. I’ll act like it doesn’t bother me when I see you smiling and laughing knowing you’re happier without me. Lets pretend we never loved each other, we can forget all the times you said forever. Lets pretend theres no pain either one of us bear from this. Let’s slowly kill ourselves with the hidden truth of what actually happened. Nobody will know anyways right? Wrong. We know. We both do.

Part 8 – Mornings

After 26 years I finally realized why I hate mornings. 

I hate mornings because the hardest part of waking up is remembering everything that I spent all day trying to forget. 

Forgetting the way that you touched me. Forgetting the way that you held me. Forgetting the way it felt when you kissed me. Forgetting your voice, your laugh, your smile, and all your perfect imperfections.

I will never hear you say that you love me again. I will never feel your warmth beside me. I will never be able to experience all of the things that I try to forget every day ever again.

Never. It is so hard to Envision that never is actually a lifetime. Never is not nothing, never is ever again in my lifetime. Saying never is just as powerful of a way to express time as forever. Just as permanent but so much more destructive.

I spend all day trying to forget what never means. By the end of every night I am able to convince myself that never is an unfair measurement of time. I am able to convince myself that nobody can predict the future and you have no idea what the future holds. But every single morning the word never comes back to my mind. It consumes my body and drowns me.

I tell people that I hate mornings because I just really love sleep. But in reality I hate mornings because I remember that never is actually possible. Nevers happen all the time. You will never step in the same spot twice, you’ll never get hit by the same wave, you’ll never get to go back in time. You can never bring someone back from the dead. You will never be able to make someone else love you. And you will never be able to fix what happened.

I don’t understand how someone can say never. How can someone guarantee such a permanent period of time? How can someone never want to see or hear from you ever again in their life? How can they promise that? How can never be forever….

Every morning starts off with an anxiety attack. It is awful. I never have a new day starting happy and feeling refreshed. I never have a chance at starting my day off right because I wake up sweating, heart pounding, feeling nervous and anxious, not feeling good enough. I wake up miserable. Every single day.

When I was with you I never wanted night to come. Now that I’m not, I never want the morning to come. Every morning is a reminder of mine and your ‘forever never’.

Part 7 – Broken Promises

So far I have discussed Ex 2 and bypassed Ex 1. I’m going to continue to bypass him and discuss Ex 3.

If you recall the one blog I wrote about my current state (yes I’m still pregnant), the man involved is Ex 3. Ex 3 is a widow. He is only 35 years old. I met him 3 months after Ex 2 had left the picture. It’s been basically a year now that he has been in my life. I haven’t yet decided if this is a good thing or not.

As it is with every new relationship, the beginning was perfect. I wasn’t even looking for a relationship at the time. Hell, I wasn’t even the slightest bit attracted to him in any way when we started talking. At first we were connected through a mutual friend who thought we could help heal each other and just be that support that the other needed. Him and I agreed that nothing would ever transpire between the two of us. As time went on I saw into his beautiful soul. The man that I never even considered dating became so important to me. I couldn’t help but fall for him. He was amazing. He said all of the right things at the right time. Based on my past, I know better than to believe just words. But even his actions were perfect. They spoke all the words that we couldn’t find to say to each other. Soon we decided we would date, but keep it on the downlow as he had his burdens to bare, and I had mine. Perhaps this was our mistake.

As time went on I thought things would start coming out and the pictures he had up would slowly start to go away. That’s the thing about expectations. They kill you from the inside. As they didn’t start progressing, I started regressing to my past. All my insecurities and trust issues came to surface. That’s when he started shutting down. 

The fire that burned so bright and so quickly, was put out like it was just a matchstick in the rain. All of the good times and things he said, soon meant nothing to him. I still cling to those moments. I think it’s harder for me because once I get involved, I give it my all. So I did and now I can’t take it back. I can’t stop myself from still being in love with him. 

I blame myself for a lot of it. Sure, he has his parts in this. For example, him shutting me out, more pictures going up instead of coming down, he became secretive and started hiding things…. the biggest thing is that he said he doesn’t love me anymore. 

I remember the first time he said he loved me like it happened yesterday. We were sitting in his basement watching a movie. I was telling him how I wasn’t ready for anything serious and that I needed more reassurance. Thats when he grabbed my hips and pulled me closer to him. He held me as he looked deep into my eyes, as if he could see my pain and said “I love you. How is that for reassurance? I love you.” He gave me the cutest smile and kissed me. 

Now to today, he says things like “I don’t love you anymore”, “You’re like heroine” (when I asked what that meant, he wasn’t talking about me as a person, purely having sex with me), he’s upset because “the baby is with me” meaning not with her…. how can someone go from saying that “I’ll take all the bad for the good. We deserve to be together and make each other this happy. Nothing good comes easy.”, to “we will never date again, you need to just let me go.” 

The main reason I had in my head for never wanting to date him was that I knew he was a widow and I did not want to be the first “tester” into the dating world. He spent 2 months convincing me that that was not the case. I fell for it. And now we’re here. He told me the other day that it was different back then, he thought he was ready but he was wrong. 

How can you make such promises to me and break them? I told you how fragile my heart was and how I never wanted to date because I can’t take it anymore. How can you run that risk when I told you my heart and mind cannot handle it? How could you break me like this?

The biggest painful memory that I caused that I can remember is on day I slept over at his house on a work night. That morning we got ready as usual and got to our cars in his driveway ready to leave. He looked at me and said “have a great great, I love you.” I looked at him, smiled and simply said “have a great day”, got in my car and drove away. This was 3 months after us dating. That night we got together and I told him I was not in love with him anymore. Why would I say that? I am STILL so in love with him. 

That’s the kicker, I don’t believe that he doesn’t love me because he simply fell out of love with me. He doesn’t love me anymore because I told him I didn’t love him anymore. He doesn’t love me because I lied to him. I lost a great man, over fear and pride. 

He’s a very logical thinker and has a great ability to let his mind take over and block out all thoughts. And that’s just what he’s done. He’s blocked me out. Hes also a Virgo. Yes, I follow signs. Virgos are so unbelievably logical and stubborn. He will never come back. 

We’ve also decided that it’s best that I don’t keep the baby. The first person to put anything negative in my comments…. well no threats here, let’s just try to not be judgemental of me and bring me down. The reason we have chosen this is simply because it will never work. We will have a messy, difficult time. He doesn’t want it and wants to be out of my life. He would be in the child’s life if we kept it, but he would fight for it to be with him and not me. That’s what he said, I’m not throwing around assumptions. It would be 18 years of absolute hell. He has been supportive through the process but deep down I know it is all manipulation to ensure I go through with the process (as this is not what I wanted to do at all) and to make sure I’m out of his life as quickly and as quietly as possible. Just a ploy to get his way. 

I struggle with how we went from where we were, to where we are now. Sometimes I don’t believe that it’s over. It can’t be. We still hang out and talk every day…. But I have to remember it’s just for sex and for him to get his way. He told me numerous times that he regrets not just leaving fully back in December. He doesn’t want me. He doesn’t love me. He wants, and he loves, her. Not me. It will never be me.

How can I be hurting so bad over losing someone…. who honestly, was never mine. I never stood a chance. Even if I was perfect the whole way through, we still would have ended up here. I should have listened to my gut. I knew better. But I fell for it.

Thank You, Ex. 3, for all your broken and empty promises.