Part 12 – Almost

Things ended as quickly as they began. Literally 3 weeks. That’s all it took. To be nothing, almost something and back to nothing. 

An immediate connection, fueled by mutual passion. Maybe it was lust, but perhaps, love at first sight. Whatever it was…. it was perfect while it lasted. 

3 weeks of a whirlwind storm. He was a walking Katy Perry song, even though he hates that reference. Hot and cold, in and out. A beautiful paradox. Never quite sure what he wanted, but at the least, he knew every time we talked, that there was something. We both knew. Although inexplicable, I will try my best to illustrate. 
If I may be so bold as to say it was a movie. We hit it off instantly, we understood each other, we laughed, we joked, and we were instantly connected in a way that we both felt comfortable from the first time we hung out. And I cant quite find the words to explain the feeling. A feeling we both felt and talked about but couldnt figure out what it was. It just felt right. 

I’m not sure what my beliefs are, whether spiritual or religious, but I do believe in something. Whether its fate, destiny, the stars, a God or Angel’s…. something brought us together and something was there…. a spark, a fire, chemistry, whatever you want to call it. It was undeniable. People that didn’t even know we talked saw something by the way we looked at each other. I’m going to get cheesy here for a minute, but when our eyes met, I swear my soul was dancing.

But we work together. We also work with his ex girlfriend. Hence the dwindling of our flame. Actually, it was more of an immediate burn out. We went to the park at lunch so as to not let our colleagues know we were talking, and after so many laughs, and multiple times hugging goodbye because 3 hugs just wasn’t enough, I got in my car to return to work, and there she was. The ex. Parked directly beside my car. 

An hour later after she approached his car as I drove away, I got the message. And just like that, our flame was gone.

Perhaps it’s too soon to tell if this story is done or if it’s just begun…. but I wont hold my breath. Regardless, these past 3 weeks were a movie I would rewatch over and over again. It was the perfect chick flick. A feel good movie with a sad ending that you never know whether or not it’s the ending. 


Part 11 – Hindsight

I guess now is as good a time as ever to talk about Ex 1.

I don’t know where to start so I suppose I’ll start at the beginning, it’s usually a good place to start. I had just graduated grade 12 and was getting ready for my first year of university. I lived the typical teen life, drinking, laughing and partying all summer long. I went to numerous parties with my one cousin that I was close with at the time. I was also going through a bad break up and needed to get out, let loose and have fun. Ok, so I admit that Ex 1 isn’t actually my first ever Ex, but he’s the one that changed my life the most, he gave me my daughter.

I met Ex 1 at a party, we didn’t really talk much the whole time to be honest. He was always around this one girl that I believed to be his girlfriend. It ended up not being his girlfriend at all and was just someone that was always drunk (well, more drunk than anyone else at any of those parties) and hanging all over him. He was also going through a break up so I’m sure he didn’t mind all that much.

The more parties that I went to, the more I saw him around. It started with casual texting, which wasn’t a big deal because as I started going to more parties, I was getting more friends anyways. Obviously the more we started talking, the more I started to fall for him. Soon we were swooning over each other and couldn’t get enough of each other…. cute huh? Just kidding, realistically, we talked a couple times, went to a party, both got drunk, then we fell into a tent together and slept together. Not so cute. Then I found out he was a virgin. Now I barely talked to this guy before, but he seemed sweet and now I felt bad that I took his virginity and barely even remembered.

As bad as this sounds, we started dating, more or less because I felt guilty and didn’t want him to loose his virginity like that. Then after we started dating, I started to fall for him. Don’t worry, our entire story is this backwards.

6 months after dating this guy out of pity, I found out I was pregnant. I just started university, barely in a stable relationship, and pregnant. Ex 1 by the way was just graduating high school. Yes, he is a year younger than me.

Anyways, with me being 18 and him 17, we decided to keep the baby and work it out together. Him and I, forever and for always. I didn’t know that ‘always’ would be only 6 years.

On Janurary 24th, our beautiful daughter was born. She is without a doubt my blessing. She is my best friend. Let’s not get into the argument about how children shouldn’t be your friends. I’ll just say I pull the mom card when needed. But I would not be where I am in my life without her, she makes even my hardest days more than worth it.

After our daughter was born things started going south with us. We fought all the time because he never wanted to help, I’m sure I was sleep deprived and we just couldn’t make it work. Still, both of us are very stubborn so we kept sticking it out. He kept loosing his jobs, we couldn’t find a decent place to live in for more than a few months at a time, our vehicle was basically 1000 years old (yes I said 1000, yes I’m over exaggerating) and it kept breaking down. It seemed the two of us could never catch a break. With all that being said, I did take 1.5 years off of school and work to be with her, which was the best choice I ever made. We developed a great bond and she was well ready for daycare when she had to join, not to brag, but she has always been a smart cookie (props to me).

After taking time off of work, we decided it was time for me to go back. I was working 70 hours a week as a packer in a greenhouse. I was gone before she woke up in the morning and home after she went to bed. Not only that though, I was still the only one doing the cooking and cleaning and laundry…. exhaustion setting in. I finally hit my breaking point and said “Fuck it, I’m going back to school instead.”

Now I was in school full-time and decided to work as much as possible afterwards as a waitress. Let’s keep in mind that this whole time even while he kept loosing jobs, he was never out of a job. So he has been working this whole time. Anyways, I was a full-time student and a part-time waitress. Yet, I was still the only one paying all the bills, still doing all the housework and cooking and cleaning, and now childcare drop off and pick up. To top it off, there were many times I would come home at 12am, after a full day of school and a shift at work and he would be passed out on the couch after work because he was so tired. I’m not saying he’s not tired, but I was always up as early as he was and up way later than him. As this kept happening more and more, I was loosing my patience.

We were engaged to be married. We had the date set for 2 years later. By this time we were already together for 4 years. We were going to get married on our 6th dating anniversary.

I called the wedding off 6 months before we got married.

Since calling off the wedding, my life really started.

To be honest, even to this day, I have many different theories as to why exactly I called the wedding off. Maybe I was so exhausted that I just couldn’t do it anymore. Maybe I never really loved him and I just tried my hardest because I thought it was what was best for our daughter. Maybe I was settling because I didn’t want to be another statistic. Maybe I was settling because I was afraid of being a single mom, never finding someone who wanted a woman with a baby by another guy. Maybe I was ashamed that for once, I couldn’t make things work, even with as much as I wanted to. Ex 2 was just coming in the picture, perhaps I thought the grass was greener on the other side. It could be all or none of those things. But for some reason, my thoughts always circle back to, “I just really wanted him to finally see all that I did for him, for him to smarten up and change, for him to come back to me and tell me how sorry he was and how much he missed and needed me”. I feel like deep down, I never wanted to leave him entirely.

That could be why I have never been able to fully give my all to someone else…. to be honest, sometimes I’m not convinced that I’m over him.

I took a chance with fate. I played with fire…. and I got burned.

Part 10 – One Day

I miss you. Or at least I think do. 

You made me smile. You swept me off my feet. When I was sad, you were there. You supported me. You helped build me up. You helped me get over some pretty big obstacles in my life. You are the reason for many things in my life right now. Without you, I wouldn’t have had the courage to go through even half of what I have gone through. 

But things changed. With miscommunication, stress and no patience left for me and my broken pieces anymore, you left. I kept you in my life by becoming your booty call. Just so you would stick around. I told myself I was over you. I told myself I didn’t like you anymore. But, who am I to lie to myself. 

When things changed, you changed. You’ve ignored me, insulted me, belittled me, disrespected me. You lied and hid things. You treated me like I was nothing. You made me ashamed of myself. You made me cry myself to sleep countless times and never even batted an eye. You made me feel stupid when I had hurt feelings when you said something rude. I wasn’t allowed to get angry or frustrated. I wasn’t allowed to ask questions about anything. It was all on your terms and on your timing.

Alright, listen. Dispite what I just said, I still like you. I have this whole time. I’ve tried so hard to hate you and avoid you and all that shit but it’s not working. You gave me something very different than anyone else ever did. I like you. I’m sorry but I do. I’ve wanted you back. I never stopped. I tried to convince myself I didn’t and I thought I believed myself but deep down I knew I was just deceiving myself. Just playing the game. Trying to keep you close. I keep wishing one day you’ll knock on my door and we’ll have that cheesy, sweep me off my feet make up thing going on that happens in movies. I’ll never stop wanting that. 

You said we should start dating other people. If you want to date other people, then please do. I won’t be dating though. I tried talking to other people and I just couldn’t stop but think that they weren’t you. I wish you the best, I really do. I want you to be happy. I just wanted it to be with me. But if you’re happy, then ill be happy for you even of its not with me. I’ll never be able to block you out. So my phone is always open to you. And so is my door. I’ve always hoped that the reason we haven’t been able to stay away from each other was because you secretly wanted the same thing. I get it, you don’t. And it was only because of sex and because I’m too persistant and made you cave and made you come over and talk to me and that you never wanted to. But I’ll never stop wishing that you do. 

You want me to stay away then I will. But I can’t keep lying to you or myself anymore. I like you. I want you. But more importantly I want you to be happy. So I’ll leave you alone. If you ever change your mind, and God knows I hope you do, I’ll be here.

But here’s the thing…. it won’t last forever. 

One day, I will move on. I won’t want to call you. Something good will happen, and I won’t look for your excitement. Or perhaps it’ll be something bad, and I won’t search for your comfort.

One day I won’t miss you. It might take sometime, but I promise I won’t. And maybe when that time comes I’ll realize…. maybe it isn’t you I miss, but who I thought you were. Who you’re not. Maybe I miss an illusion. 

Part 9 – Let’s Pretend

I asked you not to. I asked you to believe me. I begged you not to try to get close to me. You were bound and determined break down my walls. I knew better. I kept trying to tell myself it was different. I really thought it was you. I really wanted it to be you. You wanted me to need you and want you in my life. As much as I tried to prevent that from happening, you got your way. You got in. Now I can’t get you out. I pleaded with you to try and make you stay away, and then again to make you stay. I fell in love again. We all know, love is the most destructive method of self harm.

All that’s left is white stains from the tears running down my cheeks. Are you happy? You just had to prove I would love again, didn’t you. Are you satisfied? Did you get what you wanted? You said you knew what you were doing, you could handle it, all the bad for the good, remember…. for what? The bad to be bad enough that you decided you were wrong? Where are the repercussions for lying? Where is the justice? How is this fair? 

Based off my previous posts, I’m sure you all know I’m a broken person. No, I don’t want your pity. We’re all broken in our own little ways. I’m a disaster though. A storm that is magnificent and powerful at the best of times, but destructive, gloomy, cold and dreadful most times. Powerful enough to captivate and enthrawl you for a little while, and then just like that, you’re over it and all it’s glory. You just want it to end.

When broken people love, they love hard. Not because they are desperate, but because they, being broken, know what it’s like to not love or be loved. Broken people know the pain people feel. They know what it’s like to not feel loved and what kind of love they want. They will give it their all to make sure nobody feels the way they do inside, like their drowning in their own storm. Broken people love how they want to be loved. Love is in movies, so beautiful and magical. In reality, its never going to be how Hollywood portrays it.

Can’t you see this is killing me? I can’t keep letting people in for them to just leave. It seems the only time I’m right anymore is when I say people always leave. My heart is shattered. I can’t seem to fix it anymore. It’s devastating to go from someone’s everything, to nothing. And it keeps happening over and over again. 

I’m done.

So let’s go back to being strangers. Pretend like nothing happened between us. Forget all the good times we had and all we went through. I’ll pretend I didn’t come all the way out of my comfort zone to let you in just for you to walk away. Let’s do that. Lets pretend we never see each other, we’ll walk past each other like the other doesn’t exist. I’ll act like it doesn’t bother me when I see you smiling and laughing knowing you’re happier without me. Lets pretend we never loved each other, we can forget all the times you said forever. Lets pretend theres no pain either one of us bear from this. Let’s slowly kill ourselves with the hidden truth of what actually happened. Nobody will know anyways right? Wrong. We know. We both do.

Part 8 – Mornings

After 26 years I finally realized why I hate mornings. 

I hate mornings because the hardest part of waking up is remembering everything that I spent all day trying to forget. 

Forgetting the way that you touched me. Forgetting the way that you held me. Forgetting the way it felt when you kissed me. Forgetting your voice, your laugh, your smile, and all your perfect imperfections.

I will never hear you say that you love me again. I will never feel your warmth beside me. I will never be able to experience all of the things that I try to forget every day ever again.

Never. It is so hard to Envision that never is actually a lifetime. Never is not nothing, never is ever again in my lifetime. Saying never is just as powerful of a way to express time as forever. Just as permanent but so much more destructive.

I spend all day trying to forget what never means. By the end of every night I am able to convince myself that never is an unfair measurement of time. I am able to convince myself that nobody can predict the future and you have no idea what the future holds. But every single morning the word never comes back to my mind. It consumes my body and drowns me.

I tell people that I hate mornings because I just really love sleep. But in reality I hate mornings because I remember that never is actually possible. Nevers happen all the time. You will never step in the same spot twice, you’ll never get hit by the same wave, you’ll never get to go back in time. You can never bring someone back from the dead. You will never be able to make someone else love you. And you will never be able to fix what happened.

I don’t understand how someone can say never. How can someone guarantee such a permanent period of time? How can someone never want to see or hear from you ever again in their life? How can they promise that? How can never be forever….

Every morning starts off with an anxiety attack. It is awful. I never have a new day starting happy and feeling refreshed. I never have a chance at starting my day off right because I wake up sweating, heart pounding, feeling nervous and anxious, not feeling good enough. I wake up miserable. Every single day.

When I was with you I never wanted night to come. Now that I’m not, I never want the morning to come. Every morning is a reminder of mine and your ‘forever never’.

Part 7 – Broken Promises

So far I have discussed Ex 2 and bypassed Ex 1. I’m going to continue to bypass him and discuss Ex 3.

If you recall the one blog I wrote about my current state (yes I’m still pregnant), the man involved is Ex 3. Ex 3 is a widow. He is only 35 years old. I met him 3 months after Ex 2 had left the picture. It’s been basically a year now that he has been in my life. I haven’t yet decided if this is a good thing or not.

As it is with every new relationship, the beginning was perfect. I wasn’t even looking for a relationship at the time. Hell, I wasn’t even the slightest bit attracted to him in any way when we started talking. At first we were connected through a mutual friend who thought we could help heal each other and just be that support that the other needed. Him and I agreed that nothing would ever transpire between the two of us. As time went on I saw into his beautiful soul. The man that I never even considered dating became so important to me. I couldn’t help but fall for him. He was amazing. He said all of the right things at the right time. Based on my past, I know better than to believe just words. But even his actions were perfect. They spoke all the words that we couldn’t find to say to each other. Soon we decided we would date, but keep it on the downlow as he had his burdens to bare, and I had mine. Perhaps this was our mistake.

As time went on I thought things would start coming out and the pictures he had up would slowly start to go away. That’s the thing about expectations. They kill you from the inside. As they didn’t start progressing, I started regressing to my past. All my insecurities and trust issues came to surface. That’s when he started shutting down. 

The fire that burned so bright and so quickly, was put out like it was just a matchstick in the rain. All of the good times and things he said, soon meant nothing to him. I still cling to those moments. I think it’s harder for me because once I get involved, I give it my all. So I did and now I can’t take it back. I can’t stop myself from still being in love with him. 

I blame myself for a lot of it. Sure, he has his parts in this. For example, him shutting me out, more pictures going up instead of coming down, he became secretive and started hiding things…. the biggest thing is that he said he doesn’t love me anymore. 

I remember the first time he said he loved me like it happened yesterday. We were sitting in his basement watching a movie. I was telling him how I wasn’t ready for anything serious and that I needed more reassurance. Thats when he grabbed my hips and pulled me closer to him. He held me as he looked deep into my eyes, as if he could see my pain and said “I love you. How is that for reassurance? I love you.” He gave me the cutest smile and kissed me. 

Now to today, he says things like “I don’t love you anymore”, “You’re like heroine” (when I asked what that meant, he wasn’t talking about me as a person, purely having sex with me), he’s upset because “the baby is with me” meaning not with her…. how can someone go from saying that “I’ll take all the bad for the good. We deserve to be together and make each other this happy. Nothing good comes easy.”, to “we will never date again, you need to just let me go.” 

The main reason I had in my head for never wanting to date him was that I knew he was a widow and I did not want to be the first “tester” into the dating world. He spent 2 months convincing me that that was not the case. I fell for it. And now we’re here. He told me the other day that it was different back then, he thought he was ready but he was wrong. 

How can you make such promises to me and break them? I told you how fragile my heart was and how I never wanted to date because I can’t take it anymore. How can you run that risk when I told you my heart and mind cannot handle it? How could you break me like this?

The biggest painful memory that I caused that I can remember is on day I slept over at his house on a work night. That morning we got ready as usual and got to our cars in his driveway ready to leave. He looked at me and said “have a great great, I love you.” I looked at him, smiled and simply said “have a great day”, got in my car and drove away. This was 3 months after us dating. That night we got together and I told him I was not in love with him anymore. Why would I say that? I am STILL so in love with him. 

That’s the kicker, I don’t believe that he doesn’t love me because he simply fell out of love with me. He doesn’t love me anymore because I told him I didn’t love him anymore. He doesn’t love me because I lied to him. I lost a great man, over fear and pride. 

He’s a very logical thinker and has a great ability to let his mind take over and block out all thoughts. And that’s just what he’s done. He’s blocked me out. Hes also a Virgo. Yes, I follow signs. Virgos are so unbelievably logical and stubborn. He will never come back. 

We’ve also decided that it’s best that I don’t keep the baby. The first person to put anything negative in my comments…. well no threats here, let’s just try to not be judgemental of me and bring me down. The reason we have chosen this is simply because it will never work. We will have a messy, difficult time. He doesn’t want it and wants to be out of my life. He would be in the child’s life if we kept it, but he would fight for it to be with him and not me. That’s what he said, I’m not throwing around assumptions. It would be 18 years of absolute hell. He has been supportive through the process but deep down I know it is all manipulation to ensure I go through with the process (as this is not what I wanted to do at all) and to make sure I’m out of his life as quickly and as quietly as possible. Just a ploy to get his way. 

I struggle with how we went from where we were, to where we are now. Sometimes I don’t believe that it’s over. It can’t be. We still hang out and talk every day…. But I have to remember it’s just for sex and for him to get his way. He told me numerous times that he regrets not just leaving fully back in December. He doesn’t want me. He doesn’t love me. He wants, and he loves, her. Not me. It will never be me.

How can I be hurting so bad over losing someone…. who honestly, was never mine. I never stood a chance. Even if I was perfect the whole way through, we still would have ended up here. I should have listened to my gut. I knew better. But I fell for it.

Thank You, Ex. 3, for all your broken and empty promises. 

Part 6 – Abuse

Excuse me while I jump around my life.

Abuse. There are so many forms in which this can  take place. There is verbal, mental, physical and sexual. There may or may not be more. But these are the ones I am going to focus on. Why? Because these are the ones I’ve experienced.

Where to start. Lets go to one of the more painful and confusing ones. Going back to a previous blog where I stated I was raped by my ex boyfriend (we will call him Ex 2). I didnt know at the time that you could be raped by someone you were dating. I didn’t know until I was telling my therapist a story and he asked me, “so he raped you?”. My immediate response was “no, we were dating” and then he explained to me that I was in fact raped. It took me a very long time to come to grips with that. Actually, I still don’t know if I have fully emmoted to it yet. To think that someone that you love with all your heart could do this…. it’s just unfathomable.

It all starts with manipulation. They start with mental and emotional abuse. Telling you that you just are not good enough. You won’t survive without them. They deserve better. You aren’t worthy of them. The name calling, belittling, insulting, accusations…. they will say so many things about you because the truth of the insult lies in them and they need someone else to put the blame on. Heaven forbid they admit their own short comings.

They make you feel like you need them. And no matter how clear your mind was at the start, you eventually believe them. Why? Because of this powerful drug called love. The most powerful and self destructive drug out there. Love, the most prominent form of self destruction. The only thing that will make you completely vulnerable that you fall to your knees and beg for more. It’s so satisfying. But this kind of vulnerability in the wrong hands can kill you.

They control your every action, and thought. They need to know everything. They never believe you. All of the things that stem from their own guilt. It’s just…. horrible.

My home, out of all other places in the world, should be my safe place. He took that from me. Ex 2 had taken the only place that I can go to in order to feel safe and warm. That one place without fear or judgement. My place is gone. I haven’t slept in my bedroom for basically a year now. I sleep on my couch, when I can sleep that is. On average I get about 3 hours of sleep a night.

The one person that was supposed to be by my side, become my best friend, be my better half….destroyed me. How could he? How dare he punch me, choke me out, break almost everything I own and let’s not forget about the hot sauce sprayed in my face. He almost broke my arm. I had numerous bruises, fat lips and black eyes. Not to mention the mental and emotional damage done.

Don’t get me wrong, there were so many times I told myself nobody deserved this. But I stayed anyways. Maybe I’m hopes of him changing  (typical I know). I cried myself to sleep so many times I can’t even count.

He destroyed me is all I can say over and over again. Took away so many opportunities. So many good times. He stole my happiness. There were times when I was driving in my car and I would have to take a picture of every area of my car to prove I was alone. Get this, he still didn’t believe me, he’d say the person was just hopping around my car to avoid the picture. If I wasn’t talking to him 24/7 I was cheating on him. Which I eventually learned came from his own guilty conscience because he cheated on me almost every day. But I never dared to tell him that in fear of another punishment. He would tell me how awful I was and rude…. I was manipulative and a liar. He even told me he wanted me to kill myself. He tracked my spending and if it looked like I might have bought even just an extra coffee, then that was it. I was cheating. And when I went home, I got it. The yelling, name calling, hitting…. He broke 6 of my phones in less than a year….
I was living a nightmare. I didn’t know where to go or who to turn to. Sure, calling the cops is an easy answer to throw out there, but when you’re in the situation it is NOT that easy, especially when He implants the fear of making you lose your child. That’s right, he threatened to have her take from me. He brought me to a new level of low. My trust in humanity was gone. I had no hope for me or my future. All I knew at the time was that I loved him and that he would go back to the man he was at the beginning. It kept getting worse. I wasn’t allowed around my family, I couldn’t laugh with my daughter without him thinking I was plotting against him…. I was stuck. Even grocery shopping I was put on a time limit. And heaven forbid my bathroom breaks or showers take longer than they should.

One minute we were perfectly fine in our loving bliss, the next…. Well it was just the exact opposite. I don’t even know what set him off sometimes. If my phone made a sound, if someone called my house, if someone (even a female or my family) said they missed Me, if I was tired, if I didn’t want to have sex…. literally anything at all. It still hurts. It’s been a year. I still struggle with where it went wrong and why. And I will never understand how I wasn’t good enough to keep him happy.

The old saying “sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me” has never been more wrong. Words hurt. They almost killed me.

Even his apologies, yes he tried to apologize, were empty and more often than not were followed with his reasoning, which of course were my fault. The worst part? I believed it. And I was the one apologizing in the end. He raped me, hit me, pushed and shoved and punched…. All the names…. And I apologized.

Out of all the times he forced sex on me, I ended up getting pregnant. Because he didn’t want to use protection. Because then that meant I didn’t trust him. After all that, he made me get an abortion because he didn’t want to be stuck with me…. the other reason that he flat out admitted to was that he didn’t want to have to stop cheating on me. I still have a hard time handling that.

This is abuse.

In case you haven’t followed my other blogs, yes I got out. I kicked him out actually. But don’t be proud of me, I begged for him to come back. For months. I was lost. I didn’t know what to do. I still hid my phone, my stuff, my money…. I looked over my shoulders for almost 4 months. Actually, that’s a lie. Sometimes I still do.

It hasn’t gone away…. will it ever go away?