Part 17 – Unexplainable

Perhaps I’m just not strong enough lately.

Maybe the reason I always find myself going back to you is because often I just want to run. And when I think of running, running to you is where I want to go. When I need a hug, I remember how it felt when you held me. I felt safe.

Isn’t it strange, and kind of sick that someone will take so much time and effort to get in. Into your mind, body, heart and soul. They put your pieces back together and make you feel whole again.

Then when they leave, it’s almost like they put you back together with only tape without you realizing. But as soon as it rains, the tape looses the adhesiveness that holds things in place. You fall apart all over again. You stand there staring at them. In disbelief. Feeling almost betrayed. You knew I was falling apart. But then you use tape? Was it your intention to use a temporary method so that I would fall apart again? Or is it maybe that you just dont have the proper tools to help me better.

Dont get me wrong, I am fully aware that this is exactly why you need to put yourself back together and to not rely on others, but is it so wrong to think someone would actually want to help. Love you. Be there for you.

My intention is always to fully put myself back together. I dont need someone to fix me. But just knowing that they will help. Be there. Hold the pieces for me while I permanently cement my own pieces back together.

Maybe it’s the hopeless romantic in me, wanting to play out a hollywood movie. Or maybe I am just so naive to believe people so easily.

Currently I am exploring my minds deep inner workings. I want to know why I always go through the same scenario with different people. Clearly I am the common denominator. I am aware of that much.

No matter how deep I look into it, I cannot figure it out. Perhaps I’m such an overthinker that I will never figure it out. Every time I think I’ve finally figured it out, I fall into the same pattern. Questions leading to more questions. A never ending cycle.

They say ignorance is bliss. But to an overthinker, there is no ignorance. As an overthinker, especially with anxiety, you go through every possible situation with every possible outcome. Leaving you with the inability to be ignorant. But even as I type this I still find myself claiming a bit of ignorance in the fact that I will never truly know what people think, or how it will play out. I can only go by the scenes played out in my mind.

To be honest, I’m not even sure if this makes sense. My mind is a disaster. Much like the Krats brothers closet if you are familiar with the kids show Zoboomafoo.

And what do I do when my mind gets like this? Nothing. I sit in it. Feeling every possible emotion. Becoming more lethargic. Numb. Completely disassociated with life itself.

2 thoughts on “Part 17 – Unexplainable

  1. Well your half way there my friend. If you can see that common denominator in how you feel that common thread in all your relationships, follow it back to your parents and how they made you feel. There is your answer. And it can take some doing because in all my healing’s the one thing that we all hide the most is those feelings for our parents or whoever we loved and looked up to as children. We will even hide them from ourselves because of that childhood fear of rejection, in whatever form it takes.
    As an example, I hated my dad…loathed him. I felt his treatment of me was atrocious and I resented any action from him. So in all my relationships I would pull out chairs, buy flowers, give surprises so that they too would not reject me. Until finally the lady would go whoa already, back off, your drowning me in all this. I of course would get all offended and point the finger at them. How could they not want all this….all so that I wouldn’t get that childhood rejection. I in fact was projecting my fear onto them. Deep down I wanted them to love me and not reject me like my dad did. And even deeper down was the one thing I could never admit to myself…to admit my dad didn’t love me.
    There are fifty million ways to be rejected and we all have one of them. And in that rejection we think that we are not good enough, something wrong with us, and it holds our confidence at bay in many ways. And most importantly we cannot love ourselves because we think we are unlovable. Find that piece of the puzzle and understand it, and the conditions we had placed on our hearts will be broken forever…and it will set you free. See that fear of rejection that there is something wrong with us, not good enough or not lovable…understand why we had placed it on ourselves…see that interaction between that childhood heart and the rejection of that love from those you loved and looked up to…and it will release you from its power, simply because you have understood it and finally realised it was only passed onto you because your parents had not found their fears and passed onto you what they thought was love, because it was all they knew from their parents.
    Understand and be free ❤️ 🙏🏼 🦋

    Liked by 1 person

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