Perhaps I’m just not strong enough lately.
Maybe the reason I always find myself going back to you is because often I just want to run. And when I think of running, running to you is where I want to go. When I need a hug, I remember how it felt when you held me. I felt safe.
Isn’t it strange, and kind of sick that someone will take so much time and effort to get in. Into your mind, body, heart and soul. They put your pieces back together and make you feel whole again.
Then when they leave, it’s almost like they put you back together with only tape without you realizing. But as soon as it rains, the tape looses the adhesiveness that holds things in place. You fall apart all over again. You stand there staring at them. In disbelief. Feeling almost betrayed. You knew I was falling apart. But then you use tape? Was it your intention to use a temporary method so that I would fall apart again? Or is it maybe that you just dont have the proper tools to help me better.
Dont get me wrong, I am fully aware that this is exactly why you need to put yourself back together and to not rely on others, but is it so wrong to think someone would actually want to help. Love you. Be there for you.
My intention is always to fully put myself back together. I dont need someone to fix me. But just knowing that they will help. Be there. Hold the pieces for me while I permanently cement my own pieces back together.
Maybe it’s the hopeless romantic in me, wanting to play out a hollywood movie. Or maybe I am just so naive to believe people so easily.
Currently I am exploring my minds deep inner workings. I want to know why I always go through the same scenario with different people. Clearly I am the common denominator. I am aware of that much.
No matter how deep I look into it, I cannot figure it out. Perhaps I’m such an overthinker that I will never figure it out. Every time I think I’ve finally figured it out, I fall into the same pattern. Questions leading to more questions. A never ending cycle.
They say ignorance is bliss. But to an overthinker, there is no ignorance. As an overthinker, especially with anxiety, you go through every possible situation with every possible outcome. Leaving you with the inability to be ignorant. But even as I type this I still find myself claiming a bit of ignorance in the fact that I will never truly know what people think, or how it will play out. I can only go by the scenes played out in my mind.
To be honest, I’m not even sure if this makes sense. My mind is a disaster. Much like the Krats brothers closet if you are familiar with the kids show Zoboomafoo.
And what do I do when my mind gets like this? Nothing. I sit in it. Feeling every possible emotion. Becoming more lethargic. Numb. Completely disassociated with life itself.