Part 10 – One Day

I miss you. Or at least I think do. 

You made me smile. You swept me off my feet. When I was sad, you were there. You supported me. You helped build me up. You helped me get over some pretty big obstacles in my life. You are the reason for many things in my life right now. Without you, I wouldn’t have had the courage to go through even half of what I have gone through. 

But things changed. With miscommunication, stress and no patience left for me and my broken pieces anymore, you left. I kept you in my life by becoming your booty call. Just so you would stick around. I told myself I was over you. I told myself I didn’t like you anymore. But, who am I to lie to myself. 

When things changed, you changed. You’ve ignored me, insulted me, belittled me, disrespected me. You lied and hid things. You treated me like I was nothing. You made me ashamed of myself. You made me cry myself to sleep countless times and never even batted an eye. You made me feel stupid when I had hurt feelings when you said something rude. I wasn’t allowed to get angry or frustrated. I wasn’t allowed to ask questions about anything. It was all on your terms and on your timing.

Alright, listen. Dispite what I just said, I still like you. I have this whole time. I’ve tried so hard to hate you and avoid you and all that shit but it’s not working. You gave me something very different than anyone else ever did. I like you. I’m sorry but I do. I’ve wanted you back. I never stopped. I tried to convince myself I didn’t and I thought I believed myself but deep down I knew I was just deceiving myself. Just playing the game. Trying to keep you close. I keep wishing one day you’ll knock on my door and we’ll have that cheesy, sweep me off my feet make up thing going on that happens in movies. I’ll never stop wanting that. 

You said we should start dating other people. If you want to date other people, then please do. I won’t be dating though. I tried talking to other people and I just couldn’t stop but think that they weren’t you. I wish you the best, I really do. I want you to be happy. I just wanted it to be with me. But if you’re happy, then ill be happy for you even of its not with me. I’ll never be able to block you out. So my phone is always open to you. And so is my door. I’ve always hoped that the reason we haven’t been able to stay away from each other was because you secretly wanted the same thing. I get it, you don’t. And it was only because of sex and because I’m too persistant and made you cave and made you come over and talk to me and that you never wanted to. But I’ll never stop wishing that you do. 

You want me to stay away then I will. But I can’t keep lying to you or myself anymore. I like you. I want you. But more importantly I want you to be happy. So I’ll leave you alone. If you ever change your mind, and God knows I hope you do, I’ll be here.

But here’s the thing…. it won’t last forever. 

One day, I will move on. I won’t want to call you. Something good will happen, and I won’t look for your excitement. Or perhaps it’ll be something bad, and I won’t search for your comfort.

One day I won’t miss you. It might take sometime, but I promise I won’t. And maybe when that time comes I’ll realize…. maybe it isn’t you I miss, but who I thought you were. Who you’re not. Maybe I miss an illusion.