Part 8 – Mornings

After 26 years I finally realized why I hate mornings. 

I hate mornings because the hardest part of waking up is remembering everything that I spent all day trying to forget. 

Forgetting the way that you touched me. Forgetting the way that you held me. Forgetting the way it felt when you kissed me. Forgetting your voice, your laugh, your smile, and all your perfect imperfections.

I will never hear you say that you love me again. I will never feel your warmth beside me. I will never be able to experience all of the things that I try to forget every day ever again.

Never. It is so hard to Envision that never is actually a lifetime. Never is not nothing, never is ever again in my lifetime. Saying never is just as powerful of a way to express time as forever. Just as permanent but so much more destructive.

I spend all day trying to forget what never means. By the end of every night I am able to convince myself that never is an unfair measurement of time. I am able to convince myself that nobody can predict the future and you have no idea what the future holds. But every single morning the word never comes back to my mind. It consumes my body and drowns me.

I tell people that I hate mornings because I just really love sleep. But in reality I hate mornings because I remember that never is actually possible. Nevers happen all the time. You will never step in the same spot twice, you’ll never get hit by the same wave, you’ll never get to go back in time. You can never bring someone back from the dead. You will never be able to make someone else love you. And you will never be able to fix what happened.

I don’t understand how someone can say never. How can someone guarantee such a permanent period of time? How can someone never want to see or hear from you ever again in their life? How can they promise that? How can never be forever….

Every morning starts off with an anxiety attack. It is awful. I never have a new day starting happy and feeling refreshed. I never have a chance at starting my day off right because I wake up sweating, heart pounding, feeling nervous and anxious, not feeling good enough. I wake up miserable. Every single day.

When I was with you I never wanted night to come. Now that I’m not, I never want the morning to come. Every morning is a reminder of mine and your ‘forever never’.

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Part 5 РDepression 

I’m going to circle back to my very first blog.

The picture shown is my thinking spot. It’s where I collect my feelings and try to figure them out.

It’s a daily struggle to even want to get up in the morning, let alone having to function. You know, get showered, dressed, go to work, be a mom…. But every day I do it all. It’s like a sick spell that casts over you. One minute you could be fine. And the next you’re just shut off. It’s difficult to explain. It could take just a minute to get over, or months. And there’s no real antidote to fix it. You just want to hide. Not speak to anyone, not go anywhere. You just stop caring about everything. You have this pit in your stomach and a hole in your heart. Sometimes you know what triggers it, other times you dont.

My explanation may be a bit off only because I have other contributing factors. As mentioned I have OCD, PTSD and anxiety. Most days I just feel beat down.

“What’s wrong” is something I hear way more than I should. It’s always so difficult to answer that question. It got to a point where I just have been saying that I haven’t been sleeping well. It’s either that or I’d have to take time to explain to people that sometimes I just don’t know what’s wrong, and other times I feel like they wouldn’t understand. Even my best friend, I tell her almost everything. And every now and then I feel like I’m just a broken record and all I do is complain. She says she doesn’t mind, but come on, even I don’t want to hear myself anymore. But yet, I have to get up every day and be a working mom. I’m also a single mom so it’s not like I get sick days or days where I can just pass off house work and parent duties to my spouse. I know my daughter can tell when I’m having an off day. I’ve never told her, but when I feel down and out, she’s more attentive and sometimes asks if we can just snuggle.

I have suffered with depression for as long as I can remember. But I know it’s gotten worse since my abusive relationship (watch for my next blog), and even more so since the most recent ex (soon to be coming blog). It seems like everyone I have let in my life has left me and let me down. Everyone is so quick to say that they will be there for me and support me, but as soon as I let them in, I prove to myself why I was right in the first place to shut them out. It’s not like I let my guard down easily either. So they take so much time trying to break down my walls. It’s like a game to them, or so it seems.

Trust is not something that I give away easily. So it affects me so much when I finally trust people to be shown I was right all along. Especially when I tell them some of my past. Not only do I have to relive it at that moment, but after they leave it hurts so much more. But I don’t want to be one of those people that just gives up on love. I wholeheartedly want to believe it in. That love that people conquer the world with. But perhaps it’s just a pipedream. Anyways.

Depression is a daily struggle. And it requires a lot of patience from everyone involved. When I told my mom I suffered from depression, she told me to get over myself she had it first and said “how do you think I feel.” Words I never wanted to hear from my mother. She’s also an alcoholic so the 2 don’t mix well.

When you’re depressed, things just don’t make sense. And the smallest things hurt you. You never feel satisfied. How sad is that, that some people never feel satisfied in their life no matter how many things “go right” in their life. There’s always something to kick you down. It’s a slump that is sometimes so difficult to get out of. I wish so much that there was a quick fix. It’s draining to have all motivation, hope and excitement gone. All happiness washed away. Sometimes you can’t help but think if there will ever be an end to the madness. It’s just a constant voice inside your head bringing you down in everything you do. Not to mention the daily life struggles you feel.

And yet, you put on a smile and face every day…. if anyone out there ever needs an ear, someone to listen without judgement, please talk to me. I understand and I will be there for you if nobody else will. Everyone needs that reminder.

Part 3 – Karma

I just want to take a minute to let everyone know that everything I post is my opinion and my opinion only. I don’t try to force it on anyone, in fact I encourage everyone to have their own opinion.

I got a letter sent home from my daughter’s school the other day stating why “13 Reasons Why” shouldn’t be encouraged to watch at home. Clearly the people that came up with this letter have never faced bullying or sexual harassment. This show by no means was meant to ‘glorify suicide’ or ‘romantize suicide’ or even to make her look like a hero for carrying out the act. It’s about bringing awareness to bullying and the consequences of it. It’s to teach people that for every action there will always be a reaction, and sometimes, it’s just not a god damn positive one. Congratulations on shutting down awareness on such an already taboo subject (note the sarcasm in saying that).

I understand discretion needs to be taken and I’m not saying the show is perfect and everyone should watch it, but to say “it’s a fictional drama with many unrealistic elements”, like no, this shit is real and it happens. People need to know about suicide, the signs, the impact and everything surrounding it.

Again, I will emphasize that I understand this show is not meant for everyone and we do need to clarify that there are other alternatives, but why add more taboo on this subject and take away from the meaning and lessons behind it?

Now, as to why this blog is entitled karma…. I will admit that when I was in grade school, I was a bully. Now I didn’t go stealing people’s lunch money or shoving them in lockers or anything. But there was this one girl that I didn’t didn’t like, and to be completely honest, I had no reason not to other than I simply thought I was better than her. I was so rude to her and continuously made fun of her. I tried to make sure nobody would associate with her without being shunned by everyone else. This still haunts me to this day. I never realized how it impacted her, until one day, I got what was coming.

Note, this girl is doing fantastic in life and I’m so happy for her. And I have apologized for my wrong doings. Just to clear the air. And had she done what was portrayed in this show, well to be honest, I probably wouldn’t be living anymore myself.

In high school, I was bullied. For all 4 years. I was a wreck. I ended up becoming suicidal. I started becoming bulimic and I hated myself. Every aspect of myself. But my karma didn’t end there. I still feel like I am paying for what I did to this girl. The bullying stopped when I went into university. But from there my karma came in the form of many abusive relationships. Most recently, one where I was abused physically, emotionally, mentally and sexually. Did you know you can be raped by your spouse? I for one didn’t until recently. But thats a story for a different day.

The point I’m trying to make, is if we keep suicide being so hush hush, bullying will never stop. Now, I’ll clarify that I know suicide is not only carried out by people in high school being bullied. But I think it’s a good starting point for breaking the silence.

And for the record, being so low that you feel the only way out is suicide, that’s a feeling nobody should live with. And for myself, I never did carry it out obviously, but sometimes I do still think about it. It’s a sickness and people need to understand that by treating people poorly, it will never go away for that person. The damage will never fully be undone. And I for one, stand by ’13 Reasons Why’ especially after being on both ends of the spectrum and every where in between.

Part 1 – The Many Battles #mylife #thetruth #harshreality #nobodyknows

By looking at me, hell, even by talking to me, most people would say my life is pretty normal. Some might even say I’m doing pretty well for myself. I have a great job, my own car, my own house, a beautiful and sweet daughter, my family, a couple close friends, and my cat and dog. I always smile, laugh, apologize, and try my best to be the best I can be. I always seem to have a great disposition and seem very collected and at ease. That’s the thing about perceptions, they can be so deceiving.

#Depression. By definition means having “feelings of severe despondency and dejection”.

#Anxiety. This is “a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome”.

Try having both. Not to mention the lovely #PTSD. No, I was not in the military. Much to contrary disbelief, that’s not the only way you get it. I also suffer from eating disorders that come and go as they please. And lastly, the famous #OCD. Great combination, eh?

Best part of it all, nobody knows. Except my therapist. Nobody can even tell. Which is both a blessing, and a curse.