Part 8 – Mornings

After 26 years I finally realized why I hate mornings. 

I hate mornings because the hardest part of waking up is remembering everything that I spent all day trying to forget. 

Forgetting the way that you touched me. Forgetting the way that you held me. Forgetting the way it felt when you kissed me. Forgetting your voice, your laugh, your smile, and all your perfect imperfections.

I will never hear you say that you love me again. I will never feel your warmth beside me. I will never be able to experience all of the things that I try to forget every day ever again.

Never. It is so hard to Envision that never is actually a lifetime. Never is not nothing, never is ever again in my lifetime. Saying never is just as powerful of a way to express time as forever. Just as permanent but so much more destructive.

I spend all day trying to forget what never means. By the end of every night I am able to convince myself that never is an unfair measurement of time. I am able to convince myself that nobody can predict the future and you have no idea what the future holds. But every single morning the word never comes back to my mind. It consumes my body and drowns me.

I tell people that I hate mornings because I just really love sleep. But in reality I hate mornings because I remember that never is actually possible. Nevers happen all the time. You will never step in the same spot twice, you’ll never get hit by the same wave, you’ll never get to go back in time. You can never bring someone back from the dead. You will never be able to make someone else love you. And you will never be able to fix what happened.

I don’t understand how someone can say never. How can someone guarantee such a permanent period of time? How can someone never want to see or hear from you ever again in their life? How can they promise that? How can never be forever….

Every morning starts off with an anxiety attack. It is awful. I never have a new day starting happy and feeling refreshed. I never have a chance at starting my day off right because I wake up sweating, heart pounding, feeling nervous and anxious, not feeling good enough. I wake up miserable. Every single day.

When I was with you I never wanted night to come. Now that I’m not, I never want the morning to come. Every morning is a reminder of mine and your ‘forever never’.

Part 1 – The Many Battles #mylife #thetruth #harshreality #nobodyknows

By looking at me, hell, even by talking to me, most people would say my life is pretty normal. Some might even say I’m doing pretty well for myself. I have a great job, my own car, my own house, a beautiful and sweet daughter, my family, a couple close friends, and my cat and dog. I always smile, laugh, apologize, and try my best to be the best I can be. I always seem to have a great disposition and seem very collected and at ease. That’s the thing about perceptions, they can be so deceiving.

#Depression. By definition means having “feelings of severe despondency and dejection”.

#Anxiety. This is “a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome”.

Try having both. Not to mention the lovely #PTSD. No, I was not in the military. Much to contrary disbelief, that’s not the only way you get it. I also suffer from eating disorders that come and go as they please. And lastly, the famous #OCD. Great combination, eh?

Best part of it all, nobody knows. Except my therapist. Nobody can even tell. Which is both a blessing, and a curse.