Part 6 – Abuse

Excuse me while I jump around my life.

Abuse. There are so many forms in which this can  take place. There is verbal, mental, physical and sexual. There may or may not be more. But these are the ones I am going to focus on. Why? Because these are the ones I’ve experienced.

Where to start. Lets go to one of the more painful and confusing ones. Going back to a previous blog where I stated I was raped by my ex boyfriend (we will call him Ex 2). I didnt know at the time that you could be raped by someone you were dating. I didn’t know until I was telling my therapist a story and he asked me, “so he raped you?”. My immediate response was “no, we were dating” and then he explained to me that I was in fact raped. It took me a very long time to come to grips with that. Actually, I still don’t know if I have fully emmoted to it yet. To think that someone that you love with all your heart could do this…. it’s just unfathomable.

It all starts with manipulation. They start with mental and emotional abuse. Telling you that you just are not good enough. You won’t survive without them. They deserve better. You aren’t worthy of them. The name calling, belittling, insulting, accusations…. they will say so many things about you because the truth of the insult lies in them and they need someone else to put the blame on. Heaven forbid they admit their own short comings.

They make you feel like you need them. And no matter how clear your mind was at the start, you eventually believe them. Why? Because of this powerful drug called love. The most powerful and self destructive drug out there. Love, the most prominent form of self destruction. The only thing that will make you completely vulnerable that you fall to your knees and beg for more. It’s so satisfying. But this kind of vulnerability in the wrong hands can kill you.

They control your every action, and thought. They need to know everything. They never believe you. All of the things that stem from their own guilt. It’s just…. horrible.

My home, out of all other places in the world, should be my safe place. He took that from me. Ex 2 had taken the only place that I can go to in order to feel safe and warm. That one place without fear or judgement. My place is gone. I haven’t slept in my bedroom for basically a year now. I sleep on my couch, when I can sleep that is. On average I get about 3 hours of sleep a night.

The one person that was supposed to be by my side, become my best friend, be my better half….destroyed me. How could he? How dare he punch me, choke me out, break almost everything I own and let’s not forget about the hot sauce sprayed in my face. He almost broke my arm. I had numerous bruises, fat lips and black eyes. Not to mention the mental and emotional damage done.

Don’t get me wrong, there were so many times I told myself nobody deserved this. But I stayed anyways. Maybe I’m hopes of him changing  (typical I know). I cried myself to sleep so many times I can’t even count.

He destroyed me is all I can say over and over again. Took away so many opportunities. So many good times. He stole my happiness. There were times when I was driving in my car and I would have to take a picture of every area of my car to prove I was alone. Get this, he still didn’t believe me, he’d say the person was just hopping around my car to avoid the picture. If I wasn’t talking to him 24/7 I was cheating on him. Which I eventually learned came from his own guilty conscience because he cheated on me almost every day. But I never dared to tell him that in fear of another punishment. He would tell me how awful I was and rude…. I was manipulative and a liar. He even told me he wanted me to kill myself. He tracked my spending and if it looked like I might have bought even just an extra coffee, then that was it. I was cheating. And when I went home, I got it. The yelling, name calling, hitting…. He broke 6 of my phones in less than a year….
I was living a nightmare. I didn’t know where to go or who to turn to. Sure, calling the cops is an easy answer to throw out there, but when you’re in the situation it is NOT that easy, especially when He implants the fear of making you lose your child. That’s right, he threatened to have her take from me. He brought me to a new level of low. My trust in humanity was gone. I had no hope for me or my future. All I knew at the time was that I loved him and that he would go back to the man he was at the beginning. It kept getting worse. I wasn’t allowed around my family, I couldn’t laugh with my daughter without him thinking I was plotting against him…. I was stuck. Even grocery shopping I was put on a time limit. And heaven forbid my bathroom breaks or showers take longer than they should.

One minute we were perfectly fine in our loving bliss, the next…. Well it was just the exact opposite. I don’t even know what set him off sometimes. If my phone made a sound, if someone called my house, if someone (even a female or my family) said they missed Me, if I was tired, if I didn’t want to have sex…. literally anything at all. It still hurts. It’s been a year. I still struggle with where it went wrong and why. And I will never understand how I wasn’t good enough to keep him happy.

The old saying “sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me” has never been more wrong. Words hurt. They almost killed me.

Even his apologies, yes he tried to apologize, were empty and more often than not were followed with his reasoning, which of course were my fault. The worst part? I believed it. And I was the one apologizing in the end. He raped me, hit me, pushed and shoved and punched…. All the names…. And I apologized.

Out of all the times he forced sex on me, I ended up getting pregnant. Because he didn’t want to use protection. Because then that meant I didn’t trust him. After all that, he made me get an abortion because he didn’t want to be stuck with me…. the other reason that he flat out admitted to was that he didn’t want to have to stop cheating on me. I still have a hard time handling that.

This is abuse.

In case you haven’t followed my other blogs, yes I got out. I kicked him out actually. But don’t be proud of me, I begged for him to come back. For months. I was lost. I didn’t know what to do. I still hid my phone, my stuff, my money…. I looked over my shoulders for almost 4 months. Actually, that’s a lie. Sometimes I still do.

It hasn’t gone away…. will it ever go away?

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60 thoughts on “Part 6 – Abuse

  1. Not a hero? That step you took is the greatest, courageous, and most loving steps you can ever take…the one that says you ‘are’ good enough, you are strong enough, and more than all those put together, you do love yourself for exactly who you are. That step is the hardest one in this life because of all that went before.
    But you did it…and now you are free, to become whatever you want.
    Yes, there are bits of the old way still there, but you understand that they were only conditioning from how you coped with what went before. Now create what ‘you’ want from this new life, break the cycle and deliberately step into what ‘you’ want from your life…it only takes one step, slowly, gently, lovingly. When you give that love to you, your entire perspective changes. Now do something different that no longer has any connection to what went before.
    I recommend a bath…an hour long soaking, clearing, grounding bath in oils and soaps and some nice music in the background…and no negative thoughts. It is your time for you…be loving to yourself by just being you. You deserve it 🙂

    Liked by 7 people

  2. It takes a lot of courage to stand away from a tough situation and see it objectively enough to realize what is a better possible option in life.
    Breaking away to re-create is wholly deserving, courageous, and possible!
    Your child is precious and looks up to you: that is worth trading everything in the world. Nothing else compares with this love and joy!
    Now onwards, you’ll be “SupposedToBeForever Rising!” Enjoy the little changes you bring about in your life. Lots of love!

    Liked by 4 people

  3. This is so horrible!!! Omg I’m so sorry that happened to you 😦 I’m so happy he’s an ex though and you’ve gotten away from that massive mountain of toxic douche!! You deserve better. Chin up and stay strong. I’m honestly going through hell, not because of others, but battling through myself. Cheers to us repairing our damaged relationships with ourselves.

    Good vibes to you!

    Liked by 3 people

      1. Catchy and fitting! Now you just gotta turn it into a song whenever you think of him and it’ll make you laugh maybe, or not, bad joke perhaps?

        But thank you!! Any good vibes are always welcome and appreciated 🙂

        Liked by 2 people

  4. I am so happy you got rid of him .what you went through no one should ever have go through be proud of your self your free from him yes I know but not from the fears and insecurities but I think you will get through this part as well your strong . I hope your finding happiness and only good things come to you.

    Liked by 3 people

  5. You have taken the first brave steps on a new path and you have chosen it. It will get better if you reach out for the support you need and be kind to yourself. You are not alone. Sending love your way.

    Liked by 3 people

  6. I’m so sorry you went through all of that. No one should ever have to feel that kind of pain, especially at the hands of someone they care for. I’m glad that he is out of your life and that you can continue to move forward and heal. Please don’t ever feel like you are alone in this or that it was in any way your fault. It can be too easy to look back on things sometimes and think “if only”, but try to look forward instead of back if you can. I know it isn’t easy, but it can help with time. You’re strong to have made it through what you did, and you are a survivor. Sending love and hope for happier times your way. ❤ Healing from trauma can take a long time, but take it one day at a time and never dismiss any sort of progress as "too small." Any amount of progress is still progress. 🙂

    Liked by 4 people

  7. You’ll get past it, but you must never forget it because you know what to look for now if future relationships. It’s important to remember who you were and who you are now — a survivor. And you’ll move even further and thrive. You’re on your way.

    Liked by 4 people

  8. Thank you for sharing this. You are so brave to make the change. Change is difficult but you already know that. You are stronger than you know. You are better for having made the change. Take your time and work on you and your forever will find you. Never settle for less than someone who treasures you and treats you as the treasure you are.

    Liked by 2 people

  9. I applaud your courage for having taken the first step towards recognizing the abuse this horrible person put you through… Emotional manipulation is the worst thing anyone can go through because it’s so insidious. Was it? Was it not? I feel proud of you for doing so!

    Liked by 1 person

  10. My heart aches for you! To see someone treated this way is reprehensible. You are a very strong woman to lay this all out in the open, but I think the fact that you are telling your story is very inspiring. For what it’s worth, I’m very sorry you’ve had such a tough time, and I am sending positive vibes your way so that you can move forward! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  11. So sorry you have gone through all of this. My ex boyfriend was also abusive. It was mostly verbal and emotional. I completely agree – words most definitely can hurt you. I will always remember the cruel words my abuser said to me, as I am sure you will as well. You are very strong for being able to write about this and share your story. Keep writing and speaking. It’s the only way for the violence to end. Much love – speak766

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Living with abuse of any sort is hard but sometime it is even harder to leave them as it ll we know and we have in a way.The idea of being alone might be more scary then being with someone who hurts us but once you find the strength to make that jump in the dark that will free you and brings you back to yourself just don’t look back.Keep going….time heals.Forgive but forget so to not fall again in the same net.you are brave and strong and mostly not alone❤️

    Liked by 1 person

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