I’m going to circle back to my very first blog.
The picture shown is my thinking spot. It’s where I collect my feelings and try to figure them out.
It’s a daily struggle to even want to get up in the morning, let alone having to function. You know, get showered, dressed, go to work, be a mom…. But every day I do it all. It’s like a sick spell that casts over you. One minute you could be fine. And the next you’re just shut off. It’s difficult to explain. It could take just a minute to get over, or months. And there’s no real antidote to fix it. You just want to hide. Not speak to anyone, not go anywhere. You just stop caring about everything. You have this pit in your stomach and a hole in your heart. Sometimes you know what triggers it, other times you dont.
My explanation may be a bit off only because I have other contributing factors. As mentioned I have OCD, PTSD and anxiety. Most days I just feel beat down.
“What’s wrong” is something I hear way more than I should. It’s always so difficult to answer that question. It got to a point where I just have been saying that I haven’t been sleeping well. It’s either that or I’d have to take time to explain to people that sometimes I just don’t know what’s wrong, and other times I feel like they wouldn’t understand. Even my best friend, I tell her almost everything. And every now and then I feel like I’m just a broken record and all I do is complain. She says she doesn’t mind, but come on, even I don’t want to hear myself anymore. But yet, I have to get up every day and be a working mom. I’m also a single mom so it’s not like I get sick days or days where I can just pass off house work and parent duties to my spouse. I know my daughter can tell when I’m having an off day. I’ve never told her, but when I feel down and out, she’s more attentive and sometimes asks if we can just snuggle.
I have suffered with depression for as long as I can remember. But I know it’s gotten worse since my abusive relationship (watch for my next blog), and even more so since the most recent ex (soon to be coming blog). It seems like everyone I have let in my life has left me and let me down. Everyone is so quick to say that they will be there for me and support me, but as soon as I let them in, I prove to myself why I was right in the first place to shut them out. It’s not like I let my guard down easily either. So they take so much time trying to break down my walls. It’s like a game to them, or so it seems.
Trust is not something that I give away easily. So it affects me so much when I finally trust people to be shown I was right all along. Especially when I tell them some of my past. Not only do I have to relive it at that moment, but after they leave it hurts so much more. But I don’t want to be one of those people that just gives up on love. I wholeheartedly want to believe it in. That love that people conquer the world with. But perhaps it’s just a pipedream. Anyways.
Depression is a daily struggle. And it requires a lot of patience from everyone involved. When I told my mom I suffered from depression, she told me to get over myself she had it first and said “how do you think I feel.” Words I never wanted to hear from my mother. She’s also an alcoholic so the 2 don’t mix well.
When you’re depressed, things just don’t make sense. And the smallest things hurt you. You never feel satisfied. How sad is that, that some people never feel satisfied in their life no matter how many things “go right” in their life. There’s always something to kick you down. It’s a slump that is sometimes so difficult to get out of. I wish so much that there was a quick fix. It’s draining to have all motivation, hope and excitement gone. All happiness washed away. Sometimes you can’t help but think if there will ever be an end to the madness. It’s just a constant voice inside your head bringing you down in everything you do. Not to mention the daily life struggles you feel.
And yet, you put on a smile and face every day…. if anyone out there ever needs an ear, someone to listen without judgement, please talk to me. I understand and I will be there for you if nobody else will. Everyone needs that reminder.