Part 5 – Depression 

I’m going to circle back to my very first blog.

The picture shown is my thinking spot. It’s where I collect my feelings and try to figure them out.

It’s a daily struggle to even want to get up in the morning, let alone having to function. You know, get showered, dressed, go to work, be a mom…. But every day I do it all. It’s like a sick spell that casts over you. One minute you could be fine. And the next you’re just shut off. It’s difficult to explain. It could take just a minute to get over, or months. And there’s no real antidote to fix it. You just want to hide. Not speak to anyone, not go anywhere. You just stop caring about everything. You have this pit in your stomach and a hole in your heart. Sometimes you know what triggers it, other times you dont.

My explanation may be a bit off only because I have other contributing factors. As mentioned I have OCD, PTSD and anxiety. Most days I just feel beat down.

“What’s wrong” is something I hear way more than I should. It’s always so difficult to answer that question. It got to a point where I just have been saying that I haven’t been sleeping well. It’s either that or I’d have to take time to explain to people that sometimes I just don’t know what’s wrong, and other times I feel like they wouldn’t understand. Even my best friend, I tell her almost everything. And every now and then I feel like I’m just a broken record and all I do is complain. She says she doesn’t mind, but come on, even I don’t want to hear myself anymore. But yet, I have to get up every day and be a working mom. I’m also a single mom so it’s not like I get sick days or days where I can just pass off house work and parent duties to my spouse. I know my daughter can tell when I’m having an off day. I’ve never told her, but when I feel down and out, she’s more attentive and sometimes asks if we can just snuggle.

I have suffered with depression for as long as I can remember. But I know it’s gotten worse since my abusive relationship (watch for my next blog), and even more so since the most recent ex (soon to be coming blog). It seems like everyone I have let in my life has left me and let me down. Everyone is so quick to say that they will be there for me and support me, but as soon as I let them in, I prove to myself why I was right in the first place to shut them out. It’s not like I let my guard down easily either. So they take so much time trying to break down my walls. It’s like a game to them, or so it seems.

Trust is not something that I give away easily. So it affects me so much when I finally trust people to be shown I was right all along. Especially when I tell them some of my past. Not only do I have to relive it at that moment, but after they leave it hurts so much more. But I don’t want to be one of those people that just gives up on love. I wholeheartedly want to believe it in. That love that people conquer the world with. But perhaps it’s just a pipedream. Anyways.

Depression is a daily struggle. And it requires a lot of patience from everyone involved. When I told my mom I suffered from depression, she told me to get over myself she had it first and said “how do you think I feel.” Words I never wanted to hear from my mother. She’s also an alcoholic so the 2 don’t mix well.

When you’re depressed, things just don’t make sense. And the smallest things hurt you. You never feel satisfied. How sad is that, that some people never feel satisfied in their life no matter how many things “go right” in their life. There’s always something to kick you down. It’s a slump that is sometimes so difficult to get out of. I wish so much that there was a quick fix. It’s draining to have all motivation, hope and excitement gone. All happiness washed away. Sometimes you can’t help but think if there will ever be an end to the madness. It’s just a constant voice inside your head bringing you down in everything you do. Not to mention the daily life struggles you feel.

And yet, you put on a smile and face every day…. if anyone out there ever needs an ear, someone to listen without judgement, please talk to me. I understand and I will be there for you if nobody else will. Everyone needs that reminder.

20 thoughts on “Part 5 – Depression 

  1. I remember all of the things you describe. I also remember sitting in the car , with my 3 year old in her car seat and thinking I could not lift up my arms to the steering wheel to drive. I did of course. And I drove her to preschool. Life went on. I don’t know what changed but for some reason the curtain of depression lifted and it has never come back. that was almost 30 years ago. I have no explanation for it or I would pass it on to you. A stable relationship helped for sure and surviving colorectal cancer ( hysterectomy included in the surgery brought about menopause and I think that actually helped). I wish I could sprinkle some magic fairy dust over you and have depression lift up and away from you. Maybe it will do that on its own. It did for me. Thank you for writing about it. It will help others to know they are not alone.

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  2. This is a really long comment. I hope that’s okay. I’m so sorry you are going through depression. I find the best understanding talks I have with someone is when they have gone through it too and understand completely what you are talking about. I have a sister like that who totally “gets” me and I’m the only one in the family who “gets” her. That is invaluable.
    I’ve been depressed, off and on, all my life. It’s no fun waking up wishing you were dead and hating the thought of a new day. I’m over my last depression, which started 4 years ago and ended maybe 2 yrs. ago.
    What helped me the most last time was upping my meds, therapy, getting closer to God and making a journal of my life. I had asked my GP for stronger pills and she said I’d have to see a psychiatrist to get more and there was a year waiting list to see a psychiatrist. Hmm, yeah that was a big help. Well, after I took a bunch of sleeping pills, I got to see a shrink at the hospital and got my meds. Where there’s a will there’s a way! Lol
    I loved my therapist and making a journal of the past, present and future really helped. I joined Brave Girls Club online. http://bravegirlsclub.com/ I cut out pictures that showed my feelings and thoughts. By the time I was done, I was much better, but of course the pills made a difference too. I’ve noticed that I need a stronger prescription every 3 or 4 years.
    As for “love” from a man. I think that is a fairy tale we have all been taught to believe from movies and fairy tales. I think there can be good love in a marriage maybe 10% of the time. I read a book by Shere Hite on marriages and she calculated 15%. When I look at marriages in my family and my own, marriage isn’t what we think it will be. It is more of a power struggle. People are basically selfish. I believe my husband “loves” me in some sort of way, but it isn’t the way I thought “love” would be. I think I had an unrealistic view of love. I used to try to make our marriage better, (as in doing things together, which he is not interested in) but I’ve given up and just don’t care any more. I get some companionship from my daughters and especially God.
    I’m not sure if you want to hear about the God part. I was so lonely that I basically said to God, “It’s just you and me now.” I spent more time praying and reading the Bible and Christian books. Joyce Meyer said to praise God when you feel sad; I did that and still do that and it works for me.

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    1. I want to hear all parts, the parts that make you feel better! I’m not here to censor what comments go on my blogs. We all have our beliefs and we’re all entitled to voice them. I’m glad that you found a lot of things that help you and that’s the main reason I started this was to try and help and any others that I can reach out to. Thank you so much for your words and I wish you the best of luck going forward!

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  3. “It’s either that or I’d have to take time to explain to people that sometimes I just don’t know what’s wrong, and other times I feel like they wouldn’t understand.” Yes, depression is hard to live in, and hard to explain to others. Isolation becomes a choice because you don’t want to have to explain. My mother died in March 2016 and 30 days later my son died in April 2016. Mother’s day is difficult and I praise God that I too can just get quiet, alone, and blog it out….mostly to strangers. Your transparency definitely helps others. Hold on – my invisible strength comes from God almighty.

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  4. Thank you for the honesty in your posts. Our family, like many others, has experienced the effects of depression and I know how difficult it can be both for those whose loved ones are going through it and for the sufferers themselves. I’m ‘lucky’ in that mine was a reactive depression, due to circumstances, but others close to me had much more prolonged, severe bouts. Writing can help so much, and having someone in your life who really understands can make all the difference.

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