Part 4 – Suicide

Going with my previous blog, I’m about to blog about a very controversial topic. Bearing in mind that my opinion surrounding this topic is very…. unique we will say.

DAMAGE CONTROL! I do not expect you to understand or agree in the slightest. But I do expect that comments remain constructive and not insulting.

Can you imagine feeling like there is no other possible way to fix your life other than just ending it entirely? I’ve been there if you haven’t and let me tell you, it’s the worst possible feeling. Actually. One worse feeling is when you try to complete it, and fail. My exact thoughts when that happened to me were, “I can’t even kill myself right”. By no means am I saying these were healthy thoughts. They weren’t at all. I’m just telling it as how it was at the time.

I’m also going to throw out a point many of you may disagree with, but hear me out. Everyone says that suicide is the cowards way out. I believe that if you have the ability to carry out the act of suicide that you have so much “strength” and control it is unbelievable. Now I don’t mean strength as some of you may be taking it. But to carry out such a powerful and irreversible act, like, I have a hard time carrying out the smallest of tasks….

And I’m going to clear the air by saying it is not a sign of weakness. What it is, is a sign of illness. I suffered from feeling suicidal myself. It’s not easy and the last thing people with these thoughts need is more labels added to them. Wanna hear something sick? When I was younger, maybe 13, I had an addiction to cutting. Disgusting right? But at the time, it showed me physical pain. It showed me I was still alive enough to bleed. And the pain was like an adrenaline rush. I couldn’t get enough. And I learned new places every day to do it so people wouldn’t see. It’s not right, I know this now. At the time though, I didn’t.

When people experience these thoughts, they aren’t typically looking for “an easy out”. Instead they feel like such a constant burden. They feel like nothing they do is ever good enough for anything or anyone. They get sick of going to people with their problems to only be told things like “other people have it worse” or “It’s just a stage you’re going through” or “you’ll be fine. Give it time” or the ever so famous “your life is great, stop being so negative and look at the positive things in your life”. Honestly, if it was that easy for us to see the positive things, don’t you think we would be doing that already? Do you think we enjoy feeling like this? Because we sure as hell don’t. But I remember being so enthralled with all the different ways I could come up with to just do it. Get it over and done with.

I know that there are much better and healthier methods. But what everyone fails to understand is at the time, the thoughts in their minds are so confusing and clouded that people just don’t see them. Instead of judging them and trying to give advice, because let’s face it, nobody wants advice when they feel like that, try listening and understanding. When they come to you, grab their hand and tell them that you understand and you’re there for them. Give them a hug. Hold them and let them cry it out. And for crying out loud, don’t start talking about yourself. Even if you’re trying to show them you’ve gone through it, all you’re doing is shifting the focus and they won’t want to talk about it anymore. They will feel guilty, shut out and insignificant. It’s so hard to talk to people when you feel like that to begin with. Then when you start changing the topic away from them, they again feel like they don’t matter and they feel it’s better not to talk about it. They feel like they finally opened up to someone, to feel like their thoughts and feelings just don’t matter.

I’m not trying to speak for everyone. And I’m not trying to reason with suicide. But we need to do our part to keep our loved ones with us. We need to show support.

I remember the first time my parents caught me cutting myself. They were pissed. They grounded me. Do you think that helped? It didn’t. And then they suffocated me. I understand what they were trying to accomplish, but instead it backfired and that’s when I got more clever about it.

Suicide is a horrible thing for everyone involved. But the people with these thoughts feel afraid and beaten down and just plain depressed. Let’s show love instead of judgement. We need to focus more on building each other up instead of trying to analyse people’s thought process and trying to diagnose them. That’s not our job as their friends and family. That’s their therapists job. Our job is to show unconditional love and support. Through it all. Let them know you’re there to listen with no judgement and that they have a safe place with you.